For Brothers Only

Ebony, July, 1999 by Kevin Chappell

SHE took everything. The couch. The bed. The and pans. The kitchen table and three of the chairs that went with it. She even made off with the wooden toilet seat. Everything. As my buddy sat on the wobbly chair his ex left behind, staring aimlessly at the torn-up photographs strewn along the floor of his near-empty apartment, I tried to console him. But somehow, words seemed so inadequate.

There was nothing I could say to change the fact that she had left him, packed up and moved out for no apparent reason, just because she wasn't "happy" and felt like he didn't understand her. There was nothing I could say to change the fact that he would now have to pick up the pieces of his life and start over. He knew that many of his bachelor buddies had warned him from the very beginning that falling in love was the biggest mistake he could make. He knew that he would now have to face them, and would undoubtedly become the latest poster boy for the young Brothers in the neighborhood looking for another reason to run from commitment.

You see, what happened to him is possibly a man's greatest fear. Even though most Brothers won't admit it, long-term commitment to a woman scares the hell out of US.

Man has traveled to outer space, tamed the wildest animals, climbed the highest mountain, and created 1001 uses for the peanut, but we haven't figured out how to conquer this whole commitment thing. There are no formulas to memorize, no maps to follow. Although it seemed like we were well on our way generations ago--when our forefathers set the standard with fruitful, lifelong relationships, even through the most adverse circumstances--lately it seems like many Brothers have done an about-face to the point where some are hitting 40 and are still living with mama because they have not overcome their fear of committing.

Don't get me wrong. This fear is not a paralyzing, all-consuming kind of fear. We're still game for a good chase. But many Brothers suffer from an uneasy kind of fear brought on by a feeling of helplessness--like the feeling you get on a lonely street late at night, not knowing what's going to jump out at you, uncertain about what's lurking around the next corner.

It's that uncertainty, that mystery, that attracts us to women--but also makes us weary of becoming too close to them. We hate what we don't know, and don't like much of what we think we do know about committed relationships. We've heard enough stories, consoled enough heartbroken buddies to know that when a man becomes deeply involved with a woman, uncertainties abound:

* She might try to change you.

* She might try to control you.

* She might turn into a nag.

* She might stay mad.

* She might stay sad.

* She might stay mad and sad.

* Maybe she will start using intimacy as a bargaining chip to get the things she wants.

* Maybe she will stick around while times are good, but split with your first stumble.

Become too involved with a woman, and don't be surprised if she stops wearing the perfume you like, stops wearing makeup, stops dolling herself up for you.

Become too involved with a woman, and there's a chance that her behavior could become psychotic, and her public displays of emotion are more frequent, constantly keeping you off balance, and her in control.

At least these are some of the things that men fear about entering into relationships with Sisters. And while the odds are slim that these fears would ever come to pass, who can really blame us for having them, especially when we witness scenes like the one at my buddy's apartment, and when stories of other Brothers like him are bandied about when men get together It's enough to make many Brothers run for cover and rib those who don't.

And while the topic of commitment sometimes makes for good laughs, there is a much more serious side. As more and more men become noncommittal, it has resulted in a deep-seated distrust between Brothers and Sisters that, in many ways, has reached epidemic proportions. The fear of the natural--a mental, spiritual, and physical attraction to a woman; one that leads to a committed relationship, marriage, and a faithful life together--has stifled the growth of our families, communities and our futures by producing a generation of single mothers, absent fathers, lonely souls and yearning hearts. While other races experience similar distrust between genders, we can least afford this gravitation to and acceptance of such an unnatural state of mind.

I'm happy to say that my buddy rebounded, and is now trying to make it work with a different Sister. Maybe more Brothers should follow his lead, make the choice not to give in to fears, not to let the prognosticating Brothers with their plethora of frightening breakup stories get in the way of our natural love of women.

Loving, being loved and sharing your life with one special person--as frightening as some make it sound--is an innate need that we all share. Giving in to that need will undoubtedly mean opening yourself up to the possibility of getting hurt, to the possibility of you being the one parked on the wobbly chair in an empty apartment trying to figure out how to start over And yes, if it doesn't work out, you could possibly become the latest poster boy for the commitment-dodging Brothers in the neighborhood.