How To Protect Your Child From BULLIES

Ebony, July, 1999 by Nicole Walker

YOU notice subtle changes in your child's behavior. Maybe she looks as if she's on the verge of tears when you ask about her day. Maybe he acts jumpy when you drop him off at school. Maybe your son or daughter loses something every day--a new jacket, a video game, lunch money. Or you notice that your child always comes home with fresh bruises and scrapes, or dirty and disheveled clothes.

These signs may indicate that your child is the victim of a bully. But before you pull out the torch and the pitchfork for a bully-hunt, or go a few rounds in the backyard with your son or daughter to toughen him or her up, experts say that you and your child need to respond to bullying with level heads and common sense. Otherwise, the problem could become dangerously worse.

WHAT IS BULLYING?

All children get teased or taunted by other children at some point in their lives. They participate in the occasional shoving match or schoolyard scuffle. Experts say that these sporadic episodes, while uncomfortable for both kids and their parents, are normal, unavoidable growing pains of childhood.

Bullying, on the other hand, is extreme behavior. Although bullying ix characterized by teasing and fighting, what distinguishes it from typical kids-will-be-kids behavior is the frequency and severity of attacks.

"Kids tease each other; they banter, and that's the normal part of life," says Dr. James P. Comer, professor of child psychiatry at Yale University Child Study Center. "But when you go beyond that, when people are clearly intimidated, fearful and harassed--and its continuous--that's bullying."

Bullying is systematic. It's routine, ongoing and can last weeks, months, even years. According to child experts, bullying can even start among preschoolers and last throughout the high school years. But it usually occurs and escalates when children reach middle-school age.

And while bullying can include verbal and physical abuse, it relics heavily on the threat--real or imagined--of violence.

"It's about intimidation and power," says Dr. Marilyn B. Benoit, program director of Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Services at Howard University Hospital and Medical School. "Invoking fear in children is the main thing that bullies do, and that gives [bullies] power over them." Dr. Benoit adds that bullies use this clement of fear to extort valuables or services from their victims.

TRAITS OF A BULLY

All bullies, whether male or female, Black or White, rich or porn, have certain things in common, experts say. They usually suffer with low self-esteem, and they may he unsuccessful academically or socially, using bullying as a way to deal with their problems. Bullies also tend to be cowards. They do their dirt surreptitiously, out of the sight of adults or other peers who may intervene. And bullies target children over whom they feel they have an advantage.

Ironically, the very bullies who torment other children are quite often themselves victims of violence, abuse or neglect, caused either by other peers or by adults.

"Bullies are generally victims of someone else's aggression," says Dr. Benoit, who is also secretary of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry. "They feel powerless in their own world, often by reason of abuse. Therefore, they try to experience some sense of power by picking a vulnerable child and bullying them."

TARGETS OF BULLYING

Interestingly, victims and bullies have much in common. Like the bully, the victim also tends to be a child who is the outsider of the social scene. "Bullies target children who themselves don't fit into the group," Dr. Comer says. "[Victims] are not the most popular kids in the group or the most successful, or they're different in some way--physically, racially, by gender or by income."

Bullies focus on children who they perceive to be weak or vulnerable in some way. The victim may be younger or smaller than the bully--which bullies believe gives them the edge. The victim may have a physical or mental disability, may have a reputation for being "soft" or a wimp, or may have embarrassing personal or family problems that are known throughout the community.

BULLY-PROOFING YOUR CHILD

As parents, you can't be with your child every second to stave off bully attacks. But experts say that you can teach your children how to effectively handle themselves and the situation if they become victims of bullying.

Encourage your children to use words instead of fists. We've all heard the cliche "two wrongs don't make a right." But how many of us, when we find out our children are being harassed by bullies, immediately tell them to fight back next time? Or even worse, ridicule them for not defending themselves?

"It's important for adults not to say, `You're a sissy--why don't you light back?'" Dr. Benoit advises. "Fighting back is not appropriate because, first, the child already is frightened, and, secondly, the child doesn't get support from their peers because they are also intimidated by the bully and don't want to become victims." Dr. Comer adds that fighting also may cause more problems than it solves. "Once your kid fights, then the other person may do whatever to win, so you're only inviting trouble," he says.