The ebony advisor: expert advice on love and relationships

Q I am a 39-year-old Black other of two kids and I in not dating anyone now. It seems to me that men are scarce these days. Many men don't have jobs, apartments, self-control or self-worth. Lots of women, including myself, find themselves alone by choice because men aren't handling their own business in more ways than one. I have lost interest in men; I am becoming interested in women. Women have common interests; they are more caring and sensual. Please help or give me some advice. I feel I am becoming a lesbian and I am enjoying it. What suggestions do you have for me?

New York

A Dr. Hope Ashby, a New York-based psychotherapist who specializes in women's sexuality issues, says there is nothing wrong with exploring your sexuality in this way. "Many women go through periods where they have been dating men for a long time and want to explore what it's like to be with a woman precisely for some of the reasons that you have stated, that women are more caring and sensual," says Dr. Ashby. "That is not to say that there aren't caring and sensual men, but many Black women do feel that such men are few and far between. In addition, sometimes women fantasize about sex with other women but never explore it for whatever reason. I suggest that you not put a label on yourself (i.e., lesbian) until you are sure that women are where your true heart lies. Maybe you are just disheartened by your relationships with men; after you go through experiences with women, you may in fact return to men. Give yourself room to explore and understand your emotions. But always be honest and clear about your expectations with whomever you are with, male or female, as to where you are in this process of exploration. Your partners too have feelings and expectations. And always practice safe sex. Most people believe that if two women have sex, there is no risk for STDs or AIDS/HIV; but there is always a risk when there is an exchange of body fluids."

Q I am a brown-skinned male, who's 5-foot-8, 210 pounds. I have a car, no kids, and work two jobs. I take women out, buy them flowers, help them with their bills, and simply treat them like queens, but after a few weeks they no longer want to be bothered. Then they all see in to end up with men who physically and verbally treat them like crap. The same women are always fussing and complaining that they can't find a good man, but they don't seem to believe in 50-50 treatment. I don't want to give up on Black women, though a few of my friends suggest that I try White or other races of women. Am I in the wrong state? What am I doing wrong? What is the recipe for establishing a relationship with today's Black female?

Georgia

A MY, my. You seem to be doing all the right things for all the wrong women. Surely somewhere in Georgia there are decent Sisters who would love to hook up with a Brother like you. Where are you meeting these women who kick you to the curb? In the streets or in clubs? It seems that you are choosing the wrong kind of woman, repeatedly. If you want a good woman, then go to places where good Sisters hang out. Try church, professional and social organizations, community and cultural events. Don't come on too strong too quickly; and you should stop paying the personal bills for women you've only known for a few weeks. Your problem could be that you are perceived as a pushover. Most women want a strong but caring man. They don't want a man they can take advantage of. Don't give up on the Sisters. Your Ms. Right is out there. You've just got to present yourself well and look in the right places.

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