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Making the blended family
Ebony, July, 2005
FOR 31-year-old Wardell Richardson of Snellville, Ga., meeting Kelley, the woman who would become his wife, was unlike anything he'd ever experienced. After knowing each other for three days, he told her that he was going to marry her.
Last November, 11 months after they met, he did just that. And they started their lives together--along with her sons, Xavier Lewis, 13, and Isaiah Lewis, 10; and his son Quamon Richardson, also 10; and a beagle named Snoopy.
Theirs is a blended family, one of roughly 1,300 formed every day in the United States. Each year roughly 500,000 adults become new stepparents. Some 6.4 million children, representing a tenth of the nation's children, live with one stepparent and one birth parent, according to the U.S. Census Bureau.
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The fact that blended families often materialize after a divorce and end in divorce ups the ante for the need to have a strategy for actually blending the family. It's too important to leave to chance.
"It's important to think of blended families as a shared experience," says Keith Alford, Ph.D., associate professor in the College of Human Services and Health Professions at Syracuse University. "Consistent and compassionate messages from all parenting parties will make a positive difference emotionally and socially for the children and family as a whole."
Kelley Richardson, 39, originally from Detroit, had been divorced for four years before she met Wardell through a church singles ministry in December 2003. Although the two youngest boys wanted them to get married immediately, it took some time for Xavier to accept the reality of the union, the Richardsons say.
"It was a struggle in the beginning," says Wardell Richardson, a service technician for BellSouth, and a real estate investor. "Two men battling. I knew one thing I couldn't do was jump quickly into being the man of the house and trying to take over."
Another realization for the newlyweds was that although their core values were the same, those values looked different in each household. The Lewis home was a bit chaotic, with two boys, a dog and lots of extracurricular activities. The Richardson household was quieter and more disciplined, with an only child and a father and son who knew how to make their wishes known without having to verbalize them.
"We shook up everything and then it started to bring balance," says Kelley Richardson, a product development manager for Bell-South. "I'm more about compassion and communication. Wardell is more about discipline and order. We balance each other."
For Peter and Assata Lee Hamilton, of Washington, D.C., blending their family was "easy," but not without its negotiations. The two were married in June 2003. Assata brought her son, Tariq, 15, to the marriage; Peter brought his two daughters, Alana, 16, and Alliannah (Alli), 12, to the marriage.
Peter Hamilton shares custody of his daughters, who are moving from Houston to Virginia Beach, Va., this summer (their mother, who is also remarried, is in the U.S. Navy).
One of the reasons for the success of the Hamiltons' blended family is the fact that, they say, they treat all the children the same.
"Our philosophy is that these are all our children. Yes, they have other parents, but these are our kids," says Assata, 33, a technical writer for the U.S. Capitol Police. "The discipline is the same because these are all my kids. We don't play favorites. They get the same love. And that works for them."
Just as with Wardell and Xavier, there had been a period of adjustment for Tariq and Peter. Now they do everything together and even love all the same sports teams, except for college basketball (Tariq likes NCAA champion University of North Carolina; Peter likes Duke University).
"Tariq and I, of course, have been through our periods of getting to know each other and learning to love each other, but I'm the main father-figure in his life," says Peter, 38, a materials handler supervisor for the Bureau of Engraving and Printing. "I do everything with him. It's just natural."
While it may not come as naturally to all husbands and wives looking to take on the role of stepparent, it can be made easier with a plan. Take it slowly, keep the lines of communication open and understand the value of compromise. "With kids, you have to pay your dues and take it day-to-day," Assata says. "Eventually, one day you'll look up and they'll be right there with you."
Strategies for Blending Your Family
1. Make your marriage a priority. If you and your spouse aren't showing love, respect and good communication, then the family can't survive or thrive.
2. Understand and define your role in the lives of your stepchild or stepchildren. It's not only important to form a strong relationship with your spouse's children, but also to be clear that you are not trying to replace a biological mother or father.
