The top 40

Ebony, August, 1995 by Laura B. Randolph

Camille Cosby told it to Oprah and Oprah told it to me and, a few weeks ago, I told it to a sister-friend who was feeling down, distressed and depressed because her life was about to take a dreaded turn. She was turning 40.

What Oprah told me Camille told her and I told my friend is this: "You should be out on your veranda dancing because you are about to experience one of the most magnificent, marvelous events in a woman's life."

"Oprah said that?" my friend asked incredulously.

"Well, those weren't her exact words, but yeah."

"You swear you're just not saying it to make me feel better?"

"I swear."

"Okay," said my almost-40 friend. "Tell me everything she told you. Leave out nothing. Nada. Not a single word."

Basically, if I understood Oprah correctly, it all comes down to this. At 40, something magical happens to you; something liberating and rejuvenating and exhilarating. You acquire a healthy disregard for what other people think. You gain the confidence to define yourself boldly and on your own terms. You don't accept anyone else's judgments but your own. In short, you stop living your life for other people and start living it for yourself. The force is with you because, at long last, it is in you.

"Before I turned 40, I used to always worry about what everybody thought about everything," Oprah, who turned 40 last year, explained to me. "I get thousands of letters a week and I used to pick the ones who didn't like something about me and call them and try to make them like me. I tracked one woman down because she didn't like my earrings."

In her pre-40 days, when it was her, not just her earrings or her clothes or her hair, that people didn't like, their criticism could send her over the edge. "I remember years ago I had a long conversation with Sidney Poitier and I was just weeping to him," she told me. "And as I sat there crying, he said you have to remember you are carrying people's dreams and when you are carrying people's dreams, often times they put burdens on you that are not yours to bear. You have to decide what is your dream for yourself"

And that is the lovely, liberating, life-changing lesson that, as Oprah put it, "you just don't get when you're 28," but, at 40, you see with crystal clarity.

And she was right. If life really begins at 40, it's because that's, when, women finally get it. The guts to take back their lives. Seize the day. Glorify the new season and seasoning the the of experienced Black womanhood. It's their time and the time is right for a little self-indulgence.

With that in mind, I told some forty-something sisters about my friend and we worked out a whimsical little birthday, wish list--a Top 40 list for Miss Oh-My-God-I-Cant-Be-40. But it's also a pretty good check list for any sister headed for the day of reckoning. So here they are. The 40 things every Black woman must have by the time she turns 40. 1. Peace of mind (and a piece of property). 2. A mill. 3. Willpower. 4. A savings account in your own name (and an IRA in the name of your future security) 5. A mammogram. 6. A manicure (not to mention a pedicure, a facial and a massage--all the same day). 7. A set of matching luggage. 8. A ticket to some exotic place to unpack it. 9. A great hairdresser, gynecologist and stockbroker. 10. A passionate, fiery, unforgettable love affair. 11. A little black dress that makes you look five pounds thinner. 12. A sense of humor, style and purpose. 13. A selfish streak. 14. A spiritual foundation that gets you through a very bad night without going crazy. 15. A facial foundation that gets you through a very long day without going ashy. 16. A good bra. 17. A good spa. 18. A library card (used often). 19. A credit card (used sparingly). 20. At least one person in your life who says: "You call, I come. 21. Good body language (multilingual!). 22. A broken heart and the knowledge you can survive it. 23. A cause calibre (domestic violence, infant mortality, save the whales--your choice). 24. A personal relationship with God. 25. A personal trainer. 26. Selective amnesia (What Saturday morning meeting?" . 27. Gall. 28. A good skin-care regimen. 29. The ability to converse on any subject without benefit of concrete knowledge or access to facts. 30. A shocking secret. 31. A pair of silk pajamas. 32. A lifetime membership in at least one organization dedicated to uplifting Black folks (e.g., National Council of negro Women, The NAACP). 33. The phone number of someone who is good with their hands. 34. At least one drop-dead, don't-speak-to-me-because-you-know-you-don't-know-me gorgeous photo of yourself. 35. A friendship that has stood the test of time. 36. One last chance to tell the guy you were crazy about in 20s who treated you like cigarette ashes on the floor what you were too dumb to know when he walked out with your heart in his hands: "Thank you, thank you, thank you." 37. A soul mate. 38. Faith, hope and a good fantasy. 39. A dream. 40. A plan to make it come true.