The 10 biggest mistakes men make in relationships

Ebony, August, 1998 by Laura B. Randolph

YOU just don't understand. When spoken by the woman in their life, these four words have the power to stop Black men cold. Whether screamed in the middle of a heated argument or sobbed at the end of what was supposed to be a romantic evening, Brothers say they have learned to fear the statement. Why? Because, as many will admit, more often than not it is absolutely true.

"What did I do wrong?" is a question asked time and time again by Black men of all ages who are genuinely puzzled when certain complaints arise over and over in their romantic relationships.

In many cases, the answer can be found in the list below. To compile it, we listened to experts and Sisters across the country who explained what they believe are the 10 biggest mistakes Black men make in relationships. Here are the most illuminating and oft-repeated responses:

1 TREATING HIS WIFE/WOMAN LIKE HIS MOTHER/MAID: "For many Black men, the ultimate fantasy is the best mother he can imagine," writes nationally renowned relationship therapist Audrey Chapman in her book, Getting Good Loving: How Black Men And Women Can Make Love Work. "She is accommodating, a tireless listener, and an unquestioning cheerleader. No matter what his shortcomings, she will be there to nestle his weary head on her bosom. What he wants is unconditional love, but romantic love always comes with conditions."

Dr. Ken Druck agrees. "Men who did not get the mothering they needed, or who became addicted to that which they did get, secretly pursue `motherlove' in their adult relationships with women," he writes in his book, The Secrets Men Keep. "These men pass up `womanlove' in a search for the all-elusive `motherlove.' They feel they have a fight to caretaking from women."

And that spells disaster for a relationship. As Barbara DeAngelis points out in her book, Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know: "How romantic can you feel at the end of the day when you see your man and think to yourself, `He couldn't find his socks; he lost his keys again; I had to call the plumber because he forgot?' How excited can you get about someone who you've just finished treating like a 3-year-old?"

(2) DOESN'T EXPRESS AFFECTION/ISN'T ROMANTIC: "The politics for being man call for men to play down their natural romanticism and sensuality," Dr. Ken Druck explains in The Secrets Men Keep. "Only sissies become sentimental, men tell themselves. `Soft' is a four-letter word to be excluded from a man's vocabulary." Of course, affection and romance are two of the most important things women say they want and need from a relationship. In her book, Is He The Right Man For You?, Sandra Forsyth explains the kind of romantic gestures that women find important: "Does he remember your birthday? The anniversary of your first date? Does he amaze you by picking just the right gift? Does he know that a handwritten poem ... is better than a store-bought card? Does he make you feel womanly and glad to be a woman?"

The bottom line: Women want their partners to be more romantic; they want to be told they are loved in a thousand little ways. As Forsyth points out, "This is the simplest but most magical ingredient in an incandescent love relationship."

(3) HIDES HIS NEEDS/FEELINGS/ FEARS. For a lot of complex reasons men discount their emotions. Especially Brothers. As Audrey Chapman points out in Getting Good Loving, "Black men are constantly grappling with such questions as: How can I reduce the chances of feeling vulnerable if I show my pain or rage? Isn't it better to remain impassive to the world? Why can't others see how risky it is to expose my feelings? Most of all, why can't Black women realize that I'll be taken advantage of if I let my guard down?"

Experts say that a man who doesn't share his feelings with the woman he loves is making a big mistake. Says Dr. Druck: "Relationships are the one area where we cannot afford to stamp our feelings `Top Secret.' If we wish to conduct effectively the daily business of a relationship ... then we must bring into play our emotions. We cannot make decisions about what we want until, on a deeper level, we know what we feel. We cannot expect to get closer to somebody until we know how he or she feels."

(4) DOESN'T SHARE IN SOCIAL PLANNING: Women frequently complain that when it comes to their social life, the men in their lives expect them to assume total responsibility--to plan, organize and orchestrate everything, from where they will go on vacation to what they will do on Saturday night. One Sister's comment captured the frustration and resentment numerous Black women feel about having to shoulder all social-planning chores. "Whenever I ask my husband what he wants to do this weekend, I get the same answer: `Whatever you want to, honey.' While that sounds sweet, what he really means is, `I don't want the hassle of planning or arranging anything, so you find the baby-sitter, call our friends, make the concert or dinner reservations and all I have to do is come along.'"

(5) VIEWS ADVICE, SUGGESTIONS AND COUNSEL AS BLAME, CRITICISM AND CONDEMNATION: For a host of complex reasons, men are hypersensitive to criticism. "When a woman innocently offers her husband a suggestion for doing something differently, or gives him information she feels will be helpful ... he doesn't hear what she actually says. He hears: "You're bad. You're wrong. You made a mistake. You aren't good enough," Barbara DeAngelis explains in Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know. That's because, as DeAngelis points out, men equate their self-esteem with accomplishment. The result? Says DeAngelis: "When a woman appears to challenge a man's ability to do anything perfectly, he reacts defensively ... as if you've said something awful. This is what causes women to feel they have to tip-toe around the men they love, to `watch what they say.'"