New rules for today's black couples

Ebony, Sept, 1989 by Dalton Narine

NEW RULES FOR TODAY'S BLACK COUPLES

THERE has been a change in the old image of man as the breadwinner who labored all day, then came home to kick off his shoes and relax while the lady of the house did "her" chores. Now, as more and more wives are working, often bringing home as much money as the man, roles and rules have been redefined. In some cases, it is the man who diapers the baby, runs the vacuum cleaner, shops, and cooks the meals. In other cases, couples draw up elaborate contracts specifying who will do what chores and when.

It's a new game with new rules and new roles. And the change in lifestyle, according to Dr. Alvin F. Poussaint, associate professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, "is not just a question of equality, but also a question of making a better home life and having the man more involved with the children." In a sense, it's really about who's responsible for what.

There's nothing magical about juggling career and housework and family. Even a stereotypical macho man like Rick Gallion, a provider relations representative for Blue Cross and Blue Shield in Columbia, S.C., has learned to roll up his sleeves and help out. A father of two and married for 19 years Gallion had retreated for many years behind the myth of male supremacy to avoid the drudgery of household chores. His wife, Pam, also worked in a demanding profession. At day's end, though, when she left her job in Columbia, S.C., as administrative assistant to the state commissioner of youth services, she rushed home to clean, wash, iron and even balance the family checkbook. Gallion admits he just sat around. "I had it easy," he says. "My life was good, but my wife's wasn't." In 1978, when he wanted a second child, his wife gave him a crash course in "labor relations." He agreed to be present in the delivery room, and to share all household duties.

"After witnessing the birth of our son Derrick," Mrs. Galion says, "Rick was very much willing to be part of the entire family process." Gallion now views marriage, child-rearing and household duties as a business in which he and his wife are partners. "I enjoy my role now," he says. "I'm glad I changed."

Dr. Halford Fairchild, a social psychologist in Los Angeles, also found a special way to repair the imbalance in his 10-year marriage. For an anniversary present, he pledged to his wife Denise, an urban planner, that he would wash the dishes for an entire year. Once he delivered on his promise, he began sharing more and more tasks in the home. "Too often," he says, "we find ourselves subscribing to the traditional mores of our society that dictate inequality between the sexes: men being superordinate and women being subordinate; men being the titular head of the household and women playing more of a supporting role. It's time some of us learn to tip the scales in the other direction by adopting those duties and responsibilities that traditionally have been relegated to the female."

Adapting to new rules and values of dual-career relationships should pose no problem to those couples who openly share their feelings early in the marriage. Barry and Linda Wilkins of Chicago have been splitting household chores ever since they were married in 1984. "There's no way I could have handled a macho man," says Mrs. Wilkins, a human resources associate with United Airlines. "Some men just don't realize how much there is for a woman to do around the house." Says Wilkins, a sales representative for American Tobacco Co.: "This is our home. There's nothing I will not do, and that includes taking care of our six-month-old baby."

When Phillip and Aldoris Jackson of Los Angeles got married in 1979, she recalls, "We laid our cards on the table and decided the kind of lifestyle we wanted together. The key to our success as a family has been constant communication between each other and a shared vision." Jackson works evenings as a videotape engineer with ABC-TV and Mrs. Jackson teaches grade school students. So, in a way, their four boys, ranging in age from seven years to 18 months, benefit from combined parental skills. "If something is wrong at school with one of the boys," Jackson says, "we both get involved. It's important for the kids to know there's none of that nonsense about 'male' or 'female' roles in our family."

"When a man pitches in, it helps build a better relationship with the child and provides a good model for the youngster as well," Dr. Poussaint says.

Gregory Bellamy of Miami was 13 years old when his mother died, but he found it easy to take care of himself and his younger brother. He says it was the values that he'd picked up from his father. It is not surprising that such ethics carried over into his marriage. "I love to cook and I can clean house," he says, "so I was looking for a professional woman who could contribute in an intellectual, financial and social way." A business manager for the Miami-Dade Community College Foundation, Bellamy found those qualities in his wife Angela, who, despite the demands of mothering two infant boys, works 10-hour days as assistant manager for the City of Miami.