Secrets of women who marry over and over … again

Ebony, Sept, 1989

Secrets Of Women Who Marry Over And Over... (And Over) Again

A GOOD man, it is said, is hard to find.

Not true, say a number of sisters who, despite the scarcity of single Black men, have managed to find two, three, sometimes four husbands while their equally marriage-minded sisters say they can't find even one, though they've practically made a career of looking.

And while statistics confirm what most Black women know--there are more single Black women than men just about everywhere except in the NBA--some manage to repeatedly beat the odds. What is it about certain women that attracts eligible, commitment-minded men by the score? Just how do they turn lovers into husbands, boyfriends into grooms?

To find the answer we went to the experts, a diverse group of more-than-once brides, and asked them for their secrets. Good news! Without exception, they say that all women--plain ones, ordinary ones, average ones--not just the drop-dead gorgeous ones--have the power to become one of the most sought-after women around if they follow certain rules.

So here they are, the do's and the don'ts, the stories and the secrets, of women who've proven time and again they know exactly how to get a man to the church on time.

1. YOU'VE GOT TO GET OUT THERE: Sure, it seems obvious, yet all of our experts say you'd be shocked at how many husband-shopping sisters ignore this fundamental fact: you will never meet Mr. Right (nor can he meet you!) if you stay at home watching reruns of The Dating Game. You've got to be a real-life player, says Cynthia Harris, founder and president of "Stop the Madness," an anti-drugs and guns organization for youth in the nation's capital. She should know. At 36, Cynthia has already had two husbands and, since her divorce three years ago, she's gotten four--count 'em--four marriage proposals. "You've got to get out there," she says. "If you're looking for a husband, the bottom line is you've got to make it a cause."

By making it "a cause," Ms. Harris doesn't mean making husband-hunting your sole mission in life. What she means is you should never ignore the myriad of man-meeting possibilities that occur in your daily life (you've got to meet him before you can marry him!). But it's not enough just to be out there. You've got to send out I'm-interested-let's-get-to-know-each-other vibes. "Men are everywhere--the spa, church, meetings, social affairs," Ms. Harris explains. "But, you have to be outgoing. When you're out, don't go sit at a table with your girlfriends. Mingle, be friendly. Men respond to body language, vibes. The way a woman carries herself can say, 'I'm interested' or 'I'm unavailable,' and men will respond to the message you send out." Another common, and deadly, mistake single women make is waiting to be "chosen." "Take the initiative and strike up conversations with men you think you could be interested in," she says. "And remember: there's somebody for everyone. If you spend your free time at places that attract the kind of man that interests you, you will meet Mr. Right."

2. DON'T BE MISS PICKY OF 1989: All of the multiple-married women interviewed say they can't count the number of times they've watched single friends meet an eligible man, then dismiss him because he doesn't meet some impossible checklist: he's got to have the looks of Philip Michael Thomas, the salary of Eddie Murphy and the eloquence of James Earl Jones. At "seventy-something," Evelyn Cunningham, a four-times married New York journalist, says that for Black women, the Miss Picky syndrome is one of the greatest stumbling blocks to the altar. "Most women have a preconceived idea about what they want in a man," says Ms. Cunningham who, in June, celebrated her one-year anniversary with her fourth husband, Austin Brown. "The women have decided they want looks, money, education, whatever, and they're blinded by that checklist. What happens is they end up bypassing a lot of great men who, if given half a chance, could be 'the one.' I can't tell you how many places I've been where I've seen the perfect man for a woman standing right in front of her face and she can't even see him because he split a verb or his tie doesn't match his belt. The guy doesn't get a chance, the girl goes home with her checklist, and the perfect mate slips away."

3. DON'T WASTE TIME IN A GONOWHERE RELATIONSHIP: It seems almost too elementary to mention, but our experts say it's such a common mistake it needs to be stressed: If you're involved with a confirmed Romeo, or a married man, or a man whose told you in words or actions he's uninterested in commitment, your chances of going to the altar are slim and none--and slim just left. Think about it. If you're spending all your time with Mr. Uncommitted, what are the chances of meeting a man with whom you could have a future? Bottom line: if you truly want to get married, staying in a dead-end relationship is the worst mistake you can make. Instead, our experts say, you've got to cut your losses, kiss Romeo good-bye and get on with the business of cultivating a future. Tell him as nicely as you please, but tell him--he's either got to fish or cut bait. Of course it's scary, even painful, but nothing less than your very future is in the balance. Says Brenda Jennings, 42, a thrice-married office manager in Chicago: "You have to verbalize your feelings and explain exactly what you need from the relationship. If you see that you're going in two different directions, then you have to step back and reassess. The worst thing you can do is kid yourself about the future of the relationship." Cynthia Harris agrees. "You have to know what you want and what he wants. If our expectations weren't compatible, I would probably move on."