Do successful sisters intimidate black men? - black women in positions of power

Ebony, Sept, 1997 by Laura B. Randolph

Before he established his own persona and achieved a greater understanding of himself, Stedman Graham expressed concern about the perception of his role as the fiance of the country's most celebrated talk show host. It chewed him, he said in his book, You Can Make It Happen, when people treated him as nothing more than Oprah Winfrey's boyfriend, "the tall guy." Ever since "Oprah had become a national celebrity," he wrote, "I'd been increasingly uncomfortable in our relationship...I became an unequal partner in the relationship, at least in the eyes of the public."

An unequal partner. Though they are reluctant to admit it, experts say it is that precise perception that many Black men involved with successful Sisters have such a difficult time dealing with. So difficult, in fact, that many say it causes them to think twice about entering, pursuing or remaining in a romantic relationship with a Black woman in a high-paying, high-profile career -- even when, like Graham, they are a success in their own right.

Graham worked through the problem, shedding "some very traditional male attitudes and habits" and developing a new appreciation of himself and Oprah. But many Black men are still stuck in the first phase of the challenge of dealing with a really successful Black woman.

"It's the dirty little secret that no one talks about," says Philip, 39, a certified public accountant in Washington, D.C., who agreed to be interviewed on the condition that only his first name be used. "When you are dealing with a woman who has been very successful professionally, it raises a whole lot of touchy issues: Will her career be more important to her than you? What can do for her that she can't do for herself? Will people see her success as an indications of your failure? And, finally, is she willing or able to check at the office door the "I'm-in-control, I'll-call-the-shots attitude that, in all likelihood, made her such a star in her career?"

Dr. Karen Noelle Clark, a Detroit clinical psychologist in private practice who has counseled couples for 20 years, says Philip has put his finger on the biggest issues Black men wrestle with when deciding whether to get -- or stay -- involved with a powerful, prosperous woman. Taken together, she explains, they form the reason behind one of the biggest complaints so often heard about Black men: They're intimidated by successful Sisters.

So are they or aren't they?

In many cases, experts say, the answer is: yes.

"Men perceive women in leadership and authority positions as potentially having authority over them," says Dr. Clark. "When it comes to their romantic relationships, they do not want to be competitive or dominated."

Loraine Binion, a top executive with Levi Strauss & Co., the world's largest apparel manufacturer, has identified another reason some men may be reluctant to get romantically involved with successful women. "I truly believe that most men want to play the roles that American society has said they should: protector and provider," says Binion, a 44-year-old divorced mother of two young daughters who has held a number of high-power positions with the company, including her current role as director of planning and performance for the new finance, planning and administration organization for Levi Strauss, the Americas. "When a man isn't fulfilling those roles in a relationship, society tells him he is inadequate and that can be a very difficult thing for a man to deal with. As a result, for single, executive women like me, the pickings are very slim."

Ironically, it was a successful Black man who told Leah Wilcox, the 38-year-old vice president of player and talent relations for the National Basketball Association Entertainment, Inc., just how slim the pickings would be. "At the start of my career, John Salley [formerly of the Detroit Pistons and Chicago Bulls] took me aside and told me it was going to be hard for me to get married because I was around so many wealthy, good looking men," says Wilcox. "He said that a lot of men would be intimidated by that fact because they would assume I was going to compare them -- their homes, their jobs, their salaries, their lifestyle -- to the NBA players. I never did, but John was right. They just assumed I would."

Things got so bad that, before Wilcox became engaged this past Christmas, she had stopped telling her dates what she did for a living. "It got to the point where I would not tell men where I worked or what I did," says Wilcox. And when it finally came out, "I would downplay it," says Wilcox.

Among successful Sisters, the practice of downplaying their jobs is not unusual, say experts. In fact, says Dr. Ronn Elmore, a California psychotherapist and author of the groundbreaking book, How To Love a Black Man, the practice is more common than you think. "This obsession with measuring how much is in one's heart by how much is in his or her pocket or purse has made many Black women afraid to admit and celebrate their material successes," says Dr. Elmore, who plans to address this issue in his upcoming book, How To Love A Black Woman.