5 men to avoid

Ebony, Sept, 1998

Dating an inappropriate man is like eating a big slice of cheesecake when you're trying to lose a few pounds: You know you shouldn't, but sometimes you just can't help yourself.

Most women have been hoodwinked at least once by a sweet-talking Brother, but some of us fall for the same jerks over and over again. If you overlook a man's fatal flaws and hang your hopes on a sense of adventure, sexual chemistry or the belief that you can change him, it's time for a reality check. Most men are set in their ways, and the bad ones definitely aren't going to change just to please you. After all, they've gotten away with their behavior for years. Despite your good intentions, it's never right to get involved with Mr. Wrong.

While there's no such thing as a perfect man, there are some things that a woman should never tolerate in a relationship. The following five types of men should be avoided at all costs:

1 THE PLAYER

He's witty, sophisticated and drop-dead fine. You're drawn to him like a moth to a flame, and so is every other woman in the room. Unfortunately, you're all going to get burned. The Player knows he's got it going on, and he wouldn't dream of dating just one woman when he can juggle several--and get away with it. "Players are charmers with tremendous social skills," says Dr. Larry Davis, author of Black & Single and a professor of social work and psychology at Washington University in St. Louis.

On the surface, The Player seems ideal because everyone likes him. He's brimming with confidence and makes you feel like the luckiest woman on the planet. He may not tell you you're the only one, but he's certainly not revealing how many other women he's seeing. In his mind, what you don't know won't hurt you.

The Player is afraid of commitment, but the women in his life are often guilty of encouraging his behavior. Some women, particularly those with low self-esteem, like the challenge THe Player provides. "They believe that if they can conquer him, it will give them a sense of self," explains Dr. Joyce Morley Ball, a psychotherapist and radio talk-show host in Decatur, Ga.

As long as you're fun, The Player will be around. The moment you start questioning where he was last night or who owns that earring you found between the sofa cushions, he'll use sweet talk to divert your suspicions. When the going gets tough, he moves on the next woman.

2 THE SMOTHERER

Concern is nice, but this Brother takes it to the extreme. He always demands to know where you are, who you're with and when you'll be back. If you don't arrive at a specified time, he flies into a panic. He wants to be with you 24-7, and he's sucking up all your oxygen. The Smotherer's fatal flaw is that he doesn't know how to separate love from control. He's not independent enough to trust his woman so they can have a normal, adult relationship.

His desire for control may stem from unresolved issues. He wants an extension of his mother, so he seeks that type of woman to take care of him and wants her to be there all the time. "He has not been able to come into his own," explains Morley Ball. "He needs that control in order to uplift himself."

Many women misconstrue The Smotherer's constant attention as a glorified form of love, but don't see that his need for domination can damage relationships with family and friends. "No one should be responsible for your total entertainment," says Davis.

3 THE ABUSER

According to experts, a man who physically and emotionally mistreats a woman has unresolved issues with his parents. He may have watched abuse going on in his home, so he carries that behavior into his own lifestyle.

A possessive, jealous man is more likely to engage in physically violent behavior. He will encourage the woman to believe that she can't do any better, especially is she has children. The Abuser is fond of using insults to control, telling a woman that no one else will want her, that she can't do any better or is incapable of supporting herself.

When a man has never been taught how to communicate with and respect a woman, he is more likely to be abusive. A woman in this kind of relationship doesn't feel good about herself and doesn't know how to get away from him. No woman ever really wants to be abused, but many confuse abuse with love because the man later apologizes and makes her feel that everything is okay. "Abuse is a process, not an event," cautions Morley Ball. "It's not something he'll do just once ... it manifests itself into more abuse."

4 THE MAN-CHILD

He's still living at home, and it's not because he's taking care of his elderly parents. The Man-Child is living rent-free, eating cornbread and collard greens and getting his shirts starched. Spoiled rotten to the core, this mama's boy has no get-up-and-go.

Because mom is always there providing what he needs, he's never been given permission to be an adult. The Man-Child is incapable of thinking for himself or planning for an independent future. He isn't prepared to come out on his own because he believes that a woman should always be there to take care of him. He likes having things done for him and enjoys the absence of responsibility. As a result, he looks for a woman to cater to his whims or avoids committed relationships altogether.