How to attract the opposite sex; it takes more than good looks to be successful in the competitive romance market

Ebony, Oct, 1990 by Renee D. Turner

How To Attract The Opposite Sex

ROMANCE is a hot but sometimes elusive commodity. Almost everybody wants it; few know how to get it, and even fewer know how to keep it.

A popular belief is that people simply fall in love because of something mystical or because the stars line up in the right position. But those who study the subject say there is a lot you can do to enhance your chances of attracting a suitable mate.

"Romance is a very deliberate process," says Dr. Larry Davis, a Washington University (St. Louis) psychologist. People search for mates with, as Davis puts it, similar "romantic market values"-the sum of our romantic worth.

In today's competitive romance market it is best to leave nothing to chance. Relationship experts say you should know what type of involvement you want - serious or casual - and you should be realistic about the type of mate you hope to attract. Then put yourself in position to meet Mr. or Ms. Right. "Going to nightclubs exclusively cuts you off from a vast number of possibilities," says Dr. Victor McCarley, a Dayton, Ohio, psychologist. Instead, counselors say, you could join a professional club or association, go to an art gallery opening, or take an evening course. Churches also have activities for singles.

If you are experiencing a romance drought, counselors suggest you increase your "market value" and thus your attractiveness by following a few simple rules.

* Appear approachable

A pleasant voice, good eye contact, and a warm smile make you appear approachable. Designer clothes aren't as impressive as a dynamic smile, researches say. Flirting with a man or woman in whom you are interested is another approach, says Dr. Virginia Beard, a St. Louis psychologist who thinks black women have lost the art of batting their eyes, walking seductively and flirting in general.

* Increase the "intrigue factor"

You can become more "intriguing," Dr. Larry Davis says, by finding an unusual interest, such as scuba diving or collecting Ghanaian art or Portuguese jewelry. Traveling to exotic places or becoming well-versed in a sport can also make you more interesting. Donald R. Davidson, Jr., chief financial officer for a Chicago investment banking firm, says what initially interested him in his girlfriend of eight years is that she had traveled to South Africa. Actress Vonetta McGee, who appears with her husband Carl Lumbly in the film To Sleep With Anger, says she was "intrigued" by his musical taste - he played Prince's Purple Rain during rehearsal - and by his manners. "The day before we met on the set of Cagney and Lacey, Carl [Lumbly] called me to introduce himself. No actor had ever done that before," she says. "I thought, 'This man's got manners'. . . . I was really intrigued."

* Dress to enhance, not to entice

Many people, according to San Francisco social scientist Dr. Julia Hare, "get caught up with the face, the body, sexual attraction and the checkbook. We see these things before we even talk with the person." Unusual and well-coordinated colors and well-tailored clothing are also eye-catching. A unique pin, ring, cologne or perfume are good conversation starters. "Dress is not about money but about taste," says Dr. Hare, who, with her psychologist-sociologist husband, Dr. Nathan Hare, has written books on Black male-female relationships. Too much "flesh hanging out" can send the wrong message, she says. What you're about is more important than what you are wearing.

* Don't get lost in the crowd

No man wants to wade through a group of girlfriends to ask a woman out, Dr. Davis says. A woman who walks into a party or club alone attracts more attention, as well as a woman accompanied only by one girlfriend or platonic friend. A man attending a social event in a threesome with a couple also appears less threatening.

* Broadway your conversational repertoire

In most circles, simply saying "Yo, baby! What's up?" won't win you any brownie points. It also is considered somewhat offensive. But you don't have to be an egghead to carry on a conversation either. "People like creative minds and are stimulated by their mates from a mental perspective, "says Dr. McCarley. When trying to catch the eye of someone in your social circle, it's better to participate in conversations rather than to sit in silence. Keep abreast of current events, sports, community developments, etc. Another turn-off, says Dr. McCarley, is to talk excessively about yourself. "To say, `I'm a banker. I make this amount of money,' instead of sharing ideas and finding out other perspective hints of narcissism." A more attractive quality is to be a good listener.

* Be assertive, but not desperately aggressive

Dating rules are a little more flexible now, but many taboos still exist. A little friendly assertiveness by women is appreciated by men, researchers say. Carole Wade, a Los Angeles graphic artist and entrepreneur, didn't get a response the first time she sent a business card to a prospective date, but the second attempt led to a lengthy relationship. The climate is generally favorable for a woman to ask a man out on a date or to offer him her phone number. In fact, Donald Davidson of Chicago says, "I think it's flattering when a woman asks me out." But the prevailing thought is that it's a little pushy to send a drink to a man. And "pushy" and "macho" are considered unattractive. When a man is overbearing in his presentation or attempts to dominate the conversation instead of respecting the feelings of others, he is usually viewed as too aggressive. Equally repelling are people who act like they haven't had a date in a decade. Counselors advise singles in the romance market to relax, have fun and don't take rejection personally. Even people who are successful usually hear a lot of no's before they hear a yes. Dr. Anne Bullock, an Atlanta-area physician, says before her marriage to Dr. Lawrence Sanders, he rejected her offer to go out for dinner a couple of times because they worked together, then he finally consented.