Live and let lie

Ebony, Oct, 1996 by Laura B. Randolph

It was the brothers in the beer commercial who stopped my girlfriends and me in mid-conversation. Two Black males engaged in a high stakes game of blackmail. Over a bottle of brew. The last bottle.

As they sit there on the porch, Brother Number One politely offers it to Brother Number Two. Before he hands it off, however, he drops the bomb--a subtle, but thinly disguised threat that if his friend drinks it, he might "accidentally" let it slip about that tiny little lie Brother Number Two told his lady friend once upon a time.

Within seconds, Brother Number Two calculates the cost of that beer and, deciding it is way too high, graciously insists that his friend take it--but not before reminding him of his own little fib to his lady love. Brother Number One instantly gets the message and returns the lone bottle of beer to Brother Number Two. The verbal ping-ponG continues for the 30- second spot as the two old friends continue to up the ante. By commercial's end, neither brother gets the beer, but my sister-friends and I got the point. And that point, we all agreed, is this: sometimes better a lie that heals than a truth that wounds. In other words, sometimes it makes sense to live and let lie.

Mind you, we're not talking about the kind of lies that divorce lawyers build careers on, lies that hurt feelings and people, the kind of toxic tales that erode and eventually destroy the very foundation of all successful relationships--trust. Lies like: "She's just a friend" (when she's not). "I'm not married" (when you are). "I love you" (when you don't.) We're talking about the harmless little fibs that spare feelings, boost self-esteem and help smooth the rough spots of important relationships and romances.

The $64,000 question, of course, is how do you tell the difference between the two? How do you distinguish between the harmful lie and the harmless fib? While there is no hard and fast rule, a pretty good rule of thumb is to evaluate your intent. If you are doing it to (a) cover your butt, (b) manipulate a situation or (c) take advantage of a person, it's not only harmful, it's indefensible and inexcusable. If, on the other hand, you have a selfless intent, it's more likely to be of the harmless variety. It's also a good bet that, at some point in our lives, we've all told the harmless little lie. Think about it. From the time we go out on our very first date ("I didn't even notice you wore braces"), land our first real job ("Working Saturday night is no problem at all") or fall in love with a child ("Of course I love your fingerpainting"), the harmless fib becomes part of our experience.

But what the brothers in the beer commercial reminded my sister-friends and me of is how the harmless little lie is raised to an art form when it is told by one lover to another. In fact, it became the topic of conversation the second the spot went off the air. Over a bottle of Chardonnay, we sat around my kitchen table and compared notes on the harmless little lie--those we have heard and those we have told. Here, a list of harmless lies that have achieved world-class status.