The Stella thing: older women, younger men. Does it work?

Ebony, Oct, 1998

With the release of the hot new movie How Stella Got Her Groove Back, Hollywood and the nation are abuzz with talk about older women and their younger men. This love connection is not a new phenomenon, but it is an endearing, enduring and somewhat controversial option for today's single Sister. And these days, as in years past, romantic liaisons between older women and younger men are the subject of much gossip, debate and sly winks.

While some women condone such choices with "You go, girl," others are uncomfortable with these May-September match-ups. They criticize and chastise their friends, sisters and cousins who get involved in such unions, and they are appalled when their sons, nephews and brothers fall in love with women old enough to be their mothers.

But the burning question is not whether family and friends condone such unions, but whether they work. The answer, according to those who are involved in such relationships, is a resounding "Yes!" A union between a woman and a younger man can be just as fulfilling and loving as any relationship between two people with compatible minds and hearts.

An in-your-face verification of this point is superstar rocker Tina Turner's relationship with music industry executive Erwin Bach, who is 15 years younger than Tina. In a previous EBONY interview, Turner, in her early 60s, said that Bach is a "good companion,"' that their relationship is stress-free, and that it does not matter that he makes considerably less money than she. "There is no stress because we are both independent," she says. "He works; he has his money. I work, and I have my money. He makes contributions to help me as much as he can with the expenses and how I live... I don't worry that he's not a man with money, so to speak. We laugh a lot. He's a typical German who doesn't have a real good sense of humor. I've changed him a lot, and he often thanks me for changing him and making him a better person. It's a good; healthy relationship."

The younger-man relationship works for Tina Turner, as it does for thousands of other Black women. In show business, women don't seem to have a problem connecting with younger men. Aretha Franklin and Whoopi Goldberg both have been married to younger husbands. Roberta Flack, Millie Jackson and Dionne Warwick all have dated younger men.

Women who get involved with younger men should consider the fact that younger men are usually at a different stage of their lives and emotional development. And women must be comfortable with the fact, as is Tina Turner, that younger men likely will not be as advanced in their careers and professions and probably will have fewer financial resources.

Money was not an issue for Myra Weston when she met Alex Morris three years ago at the hardware store where he worked during his senior year in college. Myra, a promotional manager with Island Black Music, was impressed by the fact that such a young man knew so much about wood. Alex admits he was enamored by the "outward appearance" of the attractive, petite lady attired in a snazzy ski outfit. He was so smitten that he got Myra's telephone number off the check she wrote to pay for her hardware supplies. When he called, Myra was in Aushia skiing. Weeks later, she returned the call, all the time wondering who was calling from the hardware store, and why. Alex inquired about her repair projects and offered to help her finish. They started "hanging out" and soon became a steady couple. Today, they are parents of a year-old son.

"I am truly attracted to younger men, and all my friends know that," says Myra. "I've only been attracted to one man who is older. Being in the record business keeps me young. I really don't know how to deal with older men. I don't know what to talk to older men about. Their experiences are so different. I ski and do things that younger people do. I have hip-hop in my blood. And I just have the sillies," she says while laughing. "I can't help myself. I'm just plain ol' silly."

When Alex realized Myra actually was more than 10 years his senior, he was not put off. "Females my age just seem to be on a different track," he says. "I've always liked a challenge; I've always liked older women. I like to strive for the unattainable. With an older woman you don't have to deal with mom and dad and certain petty issues, such as your financial standing and the kind of car you drive. Women my age are only concerned about school and what they will wear to the club next week. Those things aren't my concerns. They couldn't talk about the Clinton controversy. They have a narrow focus. Older women are looking for companionship. They want men who are dedicated to their concerns and looking out for them. I'm willing to give back and not play games."

Bridgette Washington, a 40-something physician in the San Francisco Bay area, says companionship with a man who is attentive to her needs and supportive of her career is more important than age and income. After repeatedly encountering men who seemed to be intimidated by her career choice, she decided to stop brushing off the advances of younger men. She emphasizes that successful Sisters should be more open to dating younger men.