Infidelity: why men cheat

Ebony, Nov, 1998

Seeking Revenge:

He's angry at something his partner said or did, and is looking to even the score, even if that means breaking the rules. In his mind, he feels cheating is a justified way to make the scales balanced again. For angry men, cheating provides a challenge. Although he figures his partner will never find out about it, simply knowing how much it would hurt her if she did is enough to satisfy most seething men.

Left Guard Down:

He has become sloopy in setting boundaries with female friends. Many times this situation occurs at work, when a friendship with a co-worker spills over into a sexual relationship. Many times, a woman's simple smile or bat of the eye can spur this transition. Before a man realms what's happening his impulses take over and he begins to equate his masculinity with his ability to satisfy a woman who has given a slight indication that she is interested.

So what happens after a man cheats? Experts say if his partner doesn't find out about transgressions, a man will most likely continue to do it. While there are numerous reasons why man cheats, one simple fact remains: Most men don't want to stop playing the cheating game, even though a cheater "must forever keep his lies straight," Baisden says, "because with one slip of the tongue, his world could come tumbling down around him."

When a cheater is finally unmasked and the stick of dynamite he's been secretly holding finally explodes, all trust in him is lost, and the message to the man's partner is painfully clear. Nothing is as personal as cheating.

But the first time a man is caught doesn't necessarily spell the end of his relationship with his significant other. Relationship therapists say that if a man is remorseful and his partner is forgiving, things can be patched up. "I've worked with couples who have deepened their marital bond because of infidelity," Hopson says. "The main thing is genuine remorse. Nothing justifies it, but it clearly can be forgiven."

Sometimes it means teaching a man how to be more assertive when dealing with aggressive women, other times it means finding constructive hobbies that will consume his idle mind. But, always, it means re-examining his present relationship to find out what areas need improving. A relationship counselor or clinical psychologist can help, but the real help has to come from the two people in the relationship. Continued hostility, resentment, or even physical confrontations and altercations are definite signs that it's time four the women to either accept his cheating ways or call it quits.

Experts say many women may be milling to forgive once, but that's it. "The old adage, `Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me,' definitely applies," Elmore says.