A Christmas carol - or if Santa were a black woman - feminist perspective of appreciation of women at Christmas time - Column

Ebony, Dec, 1993 by Laura B. Randolph

A bunch of us were having lunch recently when the conversation turned to Christmas. Much of what was said about the holiday that should be the most heartwarming, spiritually satisfying day of the year I can't repeat. Suffice it to say this group made Scrooge look like a compassionate combination of The Three Wise Men.

It wasn't so much everyone at the table knew that just because she had an "X" instead of a "Y" chromosome she'd be expected to do most of the work--the shopping, the cooking, the cleaning, the baking, the candlestick making -- that makes the season bright. It wasn't just that, although remarked about it. It was that the men in their lives expected them to.

My friend Diane's story was typical. "Yesterday," she said, "I put in eight hours at the job, then drove the three stores before I found one that had the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle set my husband promised my kid he'd get him for Christmas. Then I picked the baby up from day care, stopped at the market, and when I walked through the door, you know what Mr. Wonderful said? 'Baby, I'm starved. What's for dinner?'''

That's when it occured to me how different things would be if Santa were a Black woman. Just consider:

1) On Christmas morning, no child under 10 would wake up before his/her mother. Any child rising before noon would be told by the father, "Let's go outside and play so Mummy can sleep a little longer."

2) Christmas dinner (including unlimited quantities of cornbread, dressing and sweet potato pie) would have the fat content of a diet soda. And, starting with the season, perprtual dieting would be considered the eight of bad taste as sisters, old and young, shrt and tall, lean and large, would learn to see the beauty of their bodies--whatever size they were.

3) Men would be physically in capable of forming the words, "That's not how my mother fixed it," to any woman cooking Christmas dinner.

4) Any man asking you to shop for his mother's or his secretary's Christmas gift would have to refer to you as Her Serene Highness, The Princess (Your name here) for as long as it takes you to shop for it.

5) It would be against the law for the boyfriend, husband or lover of any Black woman to give her any of the following as Christmas gifts: a) a vacuum cleaner, b) a scale, c) a French maid outfit, d) a cubic zirconium.

6) At all holiday parties, flats would replace high heels as the ultimate fashion statement.

7) No Black boy would find a toy gun under the tree. Better yet, toy manufacturers would place a moratorium on their production until homocide is no longer the leading cause of death of young Black men.

8) Walt Disney Studios would hold a press conference announcing, in response to a swarm of letters from the Black community, their next animated film will feature a Sister in the "princess" role with Suzanne DePasse as executive producer.

9) The Condumer Products Safety Commission would ban any toy requiring more than three lines of assembly instructions.

10) The week before Christmas no sales clerk could utter the phrase "out of stock" or "not in that size." The week after Christmas, the only phrase a sales clerk could utter is, "Would you prefer to exchange it or receive a refund?"

11) All proceeds from the sales of any record in which women are refered to as "bitches" or "hoes" would be divided between the Media Image Coalition of Minorities and Women and a social service organization for battered women. Any recording artist who insist on continuing to use the trems would have to put his mother in the video.

12) On Christmas and New Year's Day, all televised sports would be canceled due to lack of interest.

13) All fathers not living with their children would assure that by December 25, their child support payments wer a) adequate, b) current, c) paid in full.

14) Instead of getting stuck with fruitcakes and turkeys, working mothers would get on-the-job childcare centers and scholarship funds for their children.

15) By Christmas morning, every single Black woman would have a date for New Year's Eve.

16) Men would understand the difference between a gift from Victoria's Secret and a gift from Fredickhs of 'Hollywood without having to be told.

17) Any Black girl receiving a book of fairy tales in which the happiness of the female character depended on the rescue of a handsome prince would receive a free companion volume of Terry McMillan's Waiting To Exhale. Starting with the season, each time a little Black girl was read such a fairy tale, she would also be told the story of a Black woman (e.g. Carol Moseley-Braun, Mae Jemison, Toni Morriosn) who is strong and powerful, who is real, not fiction, who is changing the world, who controls her own life and destiny.

18) Mariah Carey would release a holiday version of her hir single, "Dream Lover." The current chorous, "Dream Lover, come rescue me," would be change to "Dream Lover, come make up the bed, wash your dirty underwear, drop the kids at school-oh, yeah, and come to my law school graduation."