10 things black men do that aggravate black women…and vice versa

Ebony, Dec, 1993

"He doesn't know the difference between sex and romance" "Nag, nag, nag. She's always complaining."

The 10 Most Aggravating Things About Black Men

WHOEVER said it's the little things that mean so much could have been talking about the little aggravating things that can wreak havoc in even the most loving relationships.

Now, that's not to say that the man of your dreams no longer makes your heart beat faster, or that the special lady in your life can't still make chills run up and down your spine. But it would bhe nice if she could manage to have dinner on the table when you get home or if he realized the proper place for his dirty socks is in the hamper and not in the middle of the floor: Like the pierce of Cupid's arrow, these little annoyances can certainly sting.

If left unchecked, relationship experts say, these minor skirmishes between men and women can escalate into an allout war between the sexes. On the following pages, marriage counselors and family therapists offer their best advice for overcoming the 10 most aggravating things in a relationship.

1 HE NEVER CALLS WHEN HE SAYS HE WILL. This is the lament of nearly every woman who has spent long, frustrating hours sitting by the telephone waiting for the new man in her life to call.

Dr. Joyce Hamilton Berry, a clinical psychologist from Washington, D.C., says the problem is simply a matter of poor communication.

"Men communicate differently than women do," Berry explains. "Men say they will call you later and that can mean the next day or the next week. Women assume that men mean before the next day."

If women want to avoid becoming upset when the telephone doesn't ring, Berry advisBs that they simply ask the men what they mean by " later."

2 HE SPENDS TOO MUCH TIME HANGING OUT WITH THE BOYS. When a woman complains that her man is spending too much time with the boys, she is expressing her feelings of insecurity about tyhe relationship, experts say.

"The woman fears that the man lacks sufficient commitment to the woman and the relationship," explains Dr. Maisha Hamilton Bennett of Hamilton Behavioral Healthcare in Chicago. "The woman thinks, 'If he is hanging out with the boys, then maybe he chooses them over me - in fact, maybe he doesn't care about me at all and doesn't want to be with me."'

Dr. Frederick B. Phillips, a clinical psychologist and executive director of Progressive Life Center in Washington, D.C., says it's important for Black women to support friends among Black men.

"Women need to understand the importance of peer bonding and the importance of mutual support among African-American men," Phillips says, "especially in a culture that does not support Black men."

3 HE NEVER SAYS HOW HE REALLY FEELS. From time immemorial women have tried to get men to open up and reveal what is in their hearts and on their minds -- without much success.

"Men are embarrassed about showing their true feelings," explains Dr. Nathan Hare, sociologist, clinical psychologist and co-founder of the Black Think Tank in San Francisco. "They feel the display can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. A man feels that his presence alone is enough to let a woman know how he feels."

Some men, however, refuse to open up for fear they are going to be criticized by women.

"Frenquently, if men tell women what they are feeling, the women start recommending what men should do or start to criticiz them for what they've done," Dr. Berry says. "If women would listen more and be more accepting, maybe men would talk more about what is going on with them."

4 HE ALWAYS WEARS THE WRONG THING.

She thinks the occasion calls for a suit. He says a sport coat and slacks are just fine. Let the arguments begin.

"Men don't spend a lot of time trying to master the skill of what to wear to which function," says Dr. Hare, "because dressing well doesn't carry as much weight for men as it does for women in this society."

Dr. Bennett says a woman who constantly complains about what a man wears is displaying her "need to mold the man into her image of who and what he should be like."

To avoid the problem, Dr. Berry advises that couples discuss what the proper attire should be well before the scheduled event.

5 HE THINGS HE HAS MAID'S SERVICE. In this age of two-career couples, women are looking for men to help out with household chores. Yet, some men resist running the vacuum or loading the dishwasher unless they are specifically asked.

"The man has gotten used to not doing anything from the cradle on up," Dr. Hare points out. "If, as a chuild, he only sees his mother picking up things and bringing the tray table to his father's TV chair, he is going to be like his father. When he becomes an adult, he is going to sit in his chair with his sixpack, watch the fights and lets the woman bring everything to him."

Dr. Berry concurs. Most men are products of their home environment, she says. In many of their childhood houseuhols, the mother was the one who took care of the house.

"Frequently, women don't ask for what they want for fear of rejection," Berry says. "What women do is hint: 'I would just love it if I came in and dinner was fixed' or 'I'd be excited if someone cleaned up the house.' Women need to ask men specifically to vacuum, wash the dishes or wash clothes, rather than hint."