The do's and don'ts of the new dating rules

Ebony, Dec, 1997 by Lynn Norment

In todays dating culture, single men and women both are overwhelmed and confused by a barrage of information and advice on what to do and what not to do in regards to finding Mr. Right and Ms. Girl-of-My-Dreams. Since publication of the 1996 blockbuster book, The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets to Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right, there has been a landslide of debate about what is appropriate and what is not.

Denene Millner, in her book The Sistah's Rules: Secrets for Meeting, Getting and Keeping a Good Black Man, offers the Black woman's perspective on the rules of dating.

While this wealth of data is wanted and needed and sought by Black men and women, many singles are on information overload.

What's right, what's wrong? Should I walk up and introduce myself to that fine' Brother; or should I wait and hope he notices me? Should I ask a man out for that first date, and if so, do I offer to pay for it? In this age of feminism, Brothers want know the most appropriate way to approach a Sister. Should he offer to pick her up at her home or suggest that they meet somewhere more public? Does she want to go clutch or should he offer to pay? When should he expect sex, and does she really mean no when she says "no"? As the debate goes round and round, confusion abounds. What is a single man or woman to do?

To help set the record straight, EBONY consulted with some of the best relationship author/ experts in the country. In addition we culled some good old-fashioned, common-sense advice from men and women who have been successful at dating and mating. Following are answers to some of the most perplexing dating questions as well as time-tested dos and don'ts of today's dating rules.

Who makes the first move? In The Rules, the authors emphasize that the woman should never make the first move, but many Black women and men in general strongly disagree. Denene Mill reminds Black men that when you're in a club, store or restaurant and you "see a guy who floats your boat," you will have one, maybe two opportunities to connect with him. "And if he doesn't see you but you notice him and don't speak" she writes, "that moment of indecision means that your potential Brother Mr. Right might just walk out the door without your having given yourself the opportunity to meet and greet him and check him out."

Dr. Gail E. Wyatt, a sex and relationship therapist and author of the new book, Stolen Women: Reclaiming Our Sexuality, Taking Back Our Lives, says that it is absolutely okay for women to make the first move. "I feel that women should initiate conversation with men they find interesting and want to talk to," she says. "Wen get very tired of having to initiate conversation. But that first contact [by a woman] does not have to be a seductive come-on as many women think it should be. You are just interested. Give him a chance to see your perkiness, your zest, your intelligence. He gets a feel for you, and you do want to determine if the guy is in a relationship or not. You don't need to go further if he isn't interested or if he's already involved."

Should a woman ask the man for a date? Dr. Wyatt, also a professor in the department of psychiatry at UCLA, says that sometimes it's okay to ask a guy if he wants to meet for coffee, but it should be just an exploratory meeting. "You can see from there if one or the other might want to take it further." But she advises women not to come on too strong, but one also should not be too shy. "Find and walk that fine line," says Dr. Wyatt.

Dr. Ronn Elmore, a relationship therapist and best-selling author of How To Love A Black Man (and the forthcoming How To Love A Black Woman), says men should learn to be romanced and that women should sometimes make the first move. "But it's all in how you do it," he adds. "Say something like, `You look like someone I'd like to get to know,' and follow that with something concrete. Start a conversation rather than just wait for the man to follow through."

Who pays for that first date? Dr. Elmore says that whoever initiates that first date is the person who should pay for it. He explains that the woman who introduces herself to a man is not necessarily initiating the first date. If the man does the asking, then he pays for the date. If the woman does the asking, then she pays for the date.

Dr. Wyatt says that when a woman offers to pay for everything; "especially on the first date when you don't really know him," she gives the man the impression she is trying to buy him. "Once you get to know each other, it's a different story," says Dr. Wyatt. "Don't rush out on that first date and say, `Can I pick you up and pay for dinner?' That's not the thing to do. Try to start it out the way you want the relationship to continue. Don't do too much too soon." Flaunting your high salary and other material assets also is a big turnoff for most men. However, for the man who is accustomed to being taken care of by his women, it is a sure sign that you it is a sure sign that you are a good candidate to be his new "sugarbabe."