The do's and don'ts of the new dating rules

Ebony, Dec, 1997 by Lynn Norment

Should the man pick up the woman at her home for that first date? Don't invite a man you've recently met to your home. If he asks you out, offer to meet him at a restaurant or some other public location. In the early stages, you have no idea what kind of person you are dealing with. He may be the type who thinks that paying for dinner or a movie entitles him to sex. Don't put yourself in an awkward or dangerous position.

How much should I tell about myself on the first date? Dating is not a time for true confessions, for the man or for the woman. Save that for your girlfriends and male buddies. Men like mystique and mystery, and so do women. Don't tell everything too soon. Don't be a blabbermouth and tell him all about you job problems and your family trials and tribulations. Don't tell her all about your credit woes and mistreatment by past girlfriends or mates.

A banking executive in New York tells of how wonderful a particular blind date turned out and how she thanked her girlfriend for making the introduction. However, after the third date, she confessed that she was not prepared to get involved with a Brother who is still so emotionally distressed by a marriage from hell. "I really liked him and thought we had a lot in common," she says, "but after a couple of dates I realized that he is not ready to date again. All he wanted to talk about was how badly his wife treated him. He obviously was still wounded and hurting. He is a great Brother and will make some woman a great catch. But I have my own problems and I did not want to take on his burdens. I wish we had met a year later."

Dr. Elmore says that both men and women should"dole out your insides in bite size increments," for telling too much too soon can be a detriment to a budding relationship. "Premature emotional nakedness is just as hazardous as premature physical nakedness," says Dr. Elmore, who is also a minister and founder of Relationship Enrichment Programs in Los Angeles. "Give out a spoonful of information about yourself, and if they can handle it, then give another spoonful. Men have felt so conflicted about not disclosing, not sharing their feelings. To fix this, them often tell too much. Many men start talking about marriage on the second date. They simply are trying to figure things out, but women take what they say literally. Leave those hot ideas and hot words at home."

How soon is too soon to have sex? There is that school of female thought that most men are still old-fashioned when it comes to women and sex. If you sleep with a man on the first date, the rationale goes, he will assume that you always sleep with men on the first date. You will be labeled as "easy." While he might ask and even pressure you for sex, don't give in, they would advise. Wait until you truly know where he's coming from and what kind of relationship he hopes to have with you. Is he only looking for sex, or is he seeking something more meaningful? Maybe he enjoys being single and is not in the market for a wife. If you are baking for a husband, then there is a mismatch. Get to know your partner and what his or her true intentions are. Also, in this age of AIDS, herpes and other sexually-transmitted diseases, it is prudent for both men and women to take time to get to know their partners before they jump into bed.