How to celebrate when you are single or alone - Christmas season

Ebony, Dec, 1997 by Kelly Starling

It's you and the television. Dick Clark is on-screen hosting New Year's Rockin' Eve. Your friends all seem to be paired with significant others. And you've got a heavy dose of the feel-like-I'm-the-only-one-without-somebody-blues again.

Spending Christmas, Kwanzaa or New Year's Eve single can take even the most self-assured person into a slump. Consider the romantic trappings of mistletoe, New Year's kisses and couple-priced soirees. The holiday season can bring out the lonesomeness in everyone.

"There's always a lot of pressure in our world around partnership," says clinical psychotherapist Julia Boyd. "But I think it's intensified around holiday time. We get more messages about family gatherings. It makes it tough to be an individual at that time."

Some Black women get depressed, Boyd says. And Black men--though sometimes reluctant to admit it--also feel the heartache of being alone. "The macho thing to do is to say, `No big deal,'" says Boyd, author of In The Company of My Sisters, A Guide to Black Women and Self-Esteem. "But I'm willing to bet there are a lot of guys who don't like spending holidays by themselves."

Instead of yearning for that special someone or reminiscing about past loves, she says, unmarried people should focus on their personal happiness. Take time to remember your good fortune or spread joy to others.

Boyd spent last year snorkeling in Jamaica. "I wasn't caught up in the Christmas trees and the hustle and bustle," she says. "There were plenty of times when I thought it would be nice to do this with someone. But I didn't have to give up all my energy thinking about it."

The key to a happy holiday, she says, is creating your own joy--whatever form it takes.

"Whatever you do, do it with abandon," the author says. "Enjoy it. This is your holiday."

Here are some tips from other successful singles who have mastered the art of holiday fun:

Have A Family Affair

Every Christmas season, prosecuting attorney Karen E. Hodge leaves behind the chill of Chicago winters for the warmth of her family's love in Washington, D.C.

"I live for that," she says. "Christmas is my favorite time to hang out with friends and family."

Hodge, 31, looks forward to home-cooked meals and laughter; hugs and memories.

Sometimes the singles' pressure hits when her mother hints she'd like to have a grandchild. But Hodge jokingly reminds her that the husband comes first. It would be nice to be married, she says, but she's in no rush.

Like Hodge, many singles say spending time with family is their No. 1 Christmas pleasure. Malcolm Hargraves, a 29-year-old engineer, works in Cincinnati, but his family lives near Chapel Hill, N.C. So home is the first place Hargraves heads for the holidays.

Along with hanging out with family, Hargraves uses the holidays to renew old friendships and indulge in his favorite pastime--fishing on the coast.

"You have to keep in mind what Christmas is supposed to symbolize," he says. "The birth of Jesus brings home the idea of family and friendship. A lot of times we are so concerned about 'whet can I give my lady and what did my lady give me.' It's almost as if we've left the idea of family behind."

Hargraves says relationships come and go, but family is the constant that endures.

"Holidays are the times to go back to the folks who were there in the beginning--your family," he says. "Those are the ones who will be behind you when times get tight."

Renew Your Faith

Churches these days are filled with singles looking for fellowship and fun. The holiday season is no exception. Some parishes like Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago have single adult ministries that throw Christmas bashes to give unmarried members the chance to hang out with others of like beliefs and values.

If you're thinking of a party filled with spirituals and sermons, forget about it. At Trinity, last year's social was complete with grab-bags, Soul Train lines and '70s funk.

"It's so popular that even if people aren't single they come anyway," says singles ministry first vice president Wanda Crayton.

"There's no one smoking or drinking. It's safe fun with people who are just like yourself," she says.

For other singles, holiday church service is the place to reflect on their blessings. Some say they go to make sure their year starts right--giving praise to God.

"I try to be on my knees in church to bring in the New Year," attorney Hodge says. "As they say, `Jesus is the reason for the season.' It's important for you to take time out of the year for your family, friends and God."

Others go to find comfort. Detroit teacher Tonya Corbitt remembers one particularly tough New Year's Eve and the serenity she found in church.

"A friend of mine had just been dumped," she says. "All of us were going through the withdrawal pains of bad relationships. So many tears were shed that day . . . People should remember that Jesus won't give us anything we can't handle."

Celebrate With Friends