Recipe for romance - a man's foolproof guide

Ebony, Feb, 1995 by Laura B. Randolph

THE most romantic day of the year is fast approaching and, for women everywhere, that means good news and bad news. The good news: there really are men out there who know exactly what to give a woman for Valentine's Day. The bad news: like White men who can jump, they are extraordinarily rare.

A quick survey of my single girlfriends revealed that, in the last five years, only one has received anything that could even remotely be considered a perfect Valentine's Day gift. And, by this sister's own admission, it wasn't all that spectacular. What made it so special were the qualities the gift (a gorgeous 20 lb. box of chocolates) and the giver (a gorgeous 175-pound lawyer) shared: "They were both sweet, dark and rich," says Lucy.

The other day on the phone we were trying to figure out, of all the single women we know, who would win the "worst gift" contest. "Shelly dated this brother who gave her front row tickets to a 2 Live Crew concert," Lucy told me. You could have knocked me over with a G-string. You're thinking no contest, right? I was too. Then Angie beeped in and told us about this sister whose boyfriend showed up at her door with a pair of fishnet stockings and a jar of that thigh-reducing cream that made such big news last year. I could go on but you get the picture.

To be fair, women aren't the only ones who view the whole V-Day gift thing with a sense of trepidation. As my male friends are constantly telling me, choosing a Valentine's Day gift for the lady in their life is a task fraught with anxiety. Just thinking about it, they say, is enough to strike fear in the hearts of the smartest, wittiest, cash-rich among them.

But why? Men buy anniversary and birthday gifts without breaking a sweat. So what's the big deal about Valentine's Day?

My male friends say it's because there is something about V-Day that makes women a little crazy. We become irrational ("He sent flowers but no candy? He must be trying to tell me he thinks I'm fat.") We become overly sensitive ("Flowers and candy? Nice, but how much thought could that have taken?") For even the most well-meaning brother, the pressure is overwhelming.

Okay, so women go a little crazy on the 14th of February. My firm opinion, however, is that the chief reason men find the V-Day gift thing so intimidating is because it involves the two things they have been raised never to talk about: money and feelings. But that's a whole separate column.

Right now--as my male friends keep reminding me--men everywhere are faced with the very practical question of what to actually do for their lady on V-Day. Well, brothers, here it is. The ultimate guide to making Valentine's Day exactly what it should be--a stress-free, romance-filled, 24-hour celebration of love.

Before we begin, two general points. To women, Valentine's Day gifts are intrinsically metaphoric. That means the lady in your life is going to view your gift as a statement of how you feel about her. No matter how erroneous this belief, you will save yourself a lot of heartache if you just accept it.

Second, while every woman is unique, there are certain gifts and gestures we instinctively fall for. The higher they are in two key qualities--sentimentality and sensuality--the higher the swoon quotient. Warning: Both qualities are essential. One without the other is like a sports car without a stick shift.

Now, the specifics:

1. Pull out all the stops. Don't just do the right thing, do the right thing right. The point is to show her you cared enough to put time and thought into this day. If you do flowers, don't just hand them to her or have them sent. Instead, use them as the centerpiece of an exquisitely set table (linen napkins, your best china and silver) at which the two of you will share a romantic dinner you've arranged.

Notice I said arranged, not cooked. You don't have to be Julia Child to pull this off. A feast of take-out Chinese and ice-cold champagne served in tall, sleek flutes is easy, elegant and delicious. Follow with coffee and cognac served in a fragrant bubblebath surrounded by scented candles.

2. Set the mood. V-Day is no time to be practical. Women love fantasy. Push the edges of the envelope for the ultimate romantic eventing. You don't need a lot of money, just a lot of imagination. Greet her at the door in your tux. Scatter rose petals or scented potpourri on the floor. Turn off all the lights and use candles everywhere. Put her favorite music on the box. Have a few small surprises (e.g. a book, a CD, a box of truffles) exquisitely wrapped and waiting next to her plate.

3. Be creative. Go beyond the obvious. The key here is to do the unexpected. So forget the candy and flowers. Head to the store and get yourself a wicker basket. Fill it with goodies she will love--a framed photo of the two of you, a novel by her favorite author, a jar of her favorite bath crystals. Let her inspire you. Forego the pre-printed card. Write her a letter instead telling her all the ways she makes your life special. Or create your own gift certificates. Devise an assortment of delights, keeping her in mind: a foot massage, an afternoon of baby-sitting, a week of breakfast in bed.