10 ways to keep love alive

Ebony, March, 1989

10 Ways To Keep Love Alive

THERE is more than sufficient hard evidence for the notion that falling in love is easy. Judging by the frequency of its occurrence, especially -- but not exclusively -- among the young, falling in love is a piece of cake. However, keeping the love light burning after Cupid has scored a bull's eye is a horse of quite another color and for many has proven a mission impossible. Only too many people discover that after an initial ride on love's cloud nine, things just don't work out, leaving them disappointed, depressed, bitter and wounded--sometimes for life.

This brings us to the weighty question, "What can couples and individuals do to keep love alive and the romance from fading in their relationship?"

First of all, people seeking lasting romance must realize that there is no one formula for romantic bliss. If they look around, they'll find that most couples who have successful relationships usually have a number of positive things going for them.

They often are best friends as well as lovers. They trust each other, respect each other and believe in each other. They have seen their love grow stronger through good times and bad times.

They've also learned how to deal with problems that can lead to discord. They know the importance of keeping outsiders out, and working out their differences themselves. They are sensitive to each other's job-related pressures, so they act accordingly.

Another way these couples keep their love alive is by appreciating each other. They never take the other for granted, and they are aware of common courtesies that can make a romance last.

Following are ten simple suggestions that, if followed, will help to keep her heart aflutter and the gleam in his eye.

1. Love Yourself First.

Someone who feels confident, emotionally secure and physically attractive is best prepared to sustain a relationship with another person. If you project a positive outlook on life, you'll naturally attract people with the same positive outlook.

Learn from the experience of a 34-year-old Chicago legal secretary who was wooed relentlessly by a handsome, successful lawyer. But throughout their whirlwind romance, she couldn't stop asking herself, "What could he possibly see in me?"

When he realized how much she doubted herself, he bagn to ask himself the same question--and a promising relationship ended before it really began.

Remember--if you hope to build something strong, it helps to start with the best possible material.

2. Be Prepared For An Emotional Rollercoaster Ride.

The first giddy, intoxicating phases of romance feel wonderful. Walking on clouds, bumping into walls and daydreaming endlessly about the new "love of your life" occupy most of your time. You're sure this is the romance to end all romances, and it feels wonderful to know tht the warm, unprecedented "rush" you feel will never come to an end.

Isn't love grand?

While the first stages of love seem to be the ultimate high, the comedown can be equally devastating. All of a sudden you realize the person you've fallen in love with is just another human being. He (or she) has faults and makes mistakes.

Once you take off the rose-colored spectacles, reality will intrude. Make sure you're ready for it.

3. Learn To Listen.

This is easier that done. A person in love is a complex being who may not feel comfortable sharing innermost feelings with someone else. He (or she) may need a little prompting. Even then, what comes out of his (or her) mouth may not sound anything like what he (or she) intended to say. To further complicate matters, sometimes your mate won't speak at all, expecting you to be somewhat of a mindreader.

The key is patience. The more you learn about a person, the easier it is to communicate.

4. Learn To Talk.

How many times have you heard people say, "I can't get him to talk to me," or "She just holds everything inside--and when I least expect it, she blows up?"

From the very beginnings of a relationship, it's important that both parties feel free to talk openly about anything. Don't be afraid to discuss matters that may create conflict. If feelings of anger or jealousy rise to the surface, maintain your cool and get them out into the open right away.

It's better to say, "What you did made me angry and I need to talk about it," than hold the anger inside until matters get blown entirely out of proportion.

Once you begin to talk, you'll be surprised at how much you're NOT saying.

5. Give The Relationship Some Room.

Although it's tempting to devote all your time and energy to "making it work," love needs lots of breathing space. Once the two of you are certain of your compatibility--physical, emotional and intellectual--it's time for you to step back and see how well the relationship grows on its own, without constant prompting an cajoling from each other.

6. Treasure Your Private Time Together.

It's not easy being part of a relationship in the hectic '80s. The fast track waits for no one, and it seems there are barely enough hours in the day to do everything that has to be done.