Why some younger men prefer older women: age is just another number when it comes to the heart

Ebony, March, 1993 by Douglas C. Lyons

Age is just another number when it comes to the heart

HE was the boy next door, the neighborhood kid who was the perfect "play" brother to a young woman hoping to find her adult Prince Charming.

Lee Moore was only 17 when he first met Brenda Parson, a mature 23-year-old who treated him like a little brother. Who would have guessed then that this youth she once bought refreshments for would become her husband? He was so "young."

"It was something about her," says Moore, who is now 37. "She was beautiful. She was intelligent. Most of the women my age weren't women. They were girls." When talk turns to her husband, Brenda Moore can't contain herself. She's 43 years old, but she's giggling like a schoolgirl. "I always had this special feeling for him," she says. "I knew that whoever got him would be a very lucky woman. I didn't know that that woman would turn out to be me."

The unions of older women and younger men are becoming more commonplace. According to the 1980 U.S. Census, one out of every 10 marriages in the country involved older women and younger men. Bureau officials say the new Census figures are expected to show an increase in these marriages.

They may be dating and marrying more often, but cross-age couples haven't yet gained widespread acceptance in the Black community. They still endure the looks, stares and unintentional slights from persons who view their union as some form of "cradlerobbing"--or worse. Younger men have exploited many older women, coming them with romantic overtures, and stories abound about mothers fending off overzealous young adult women who call--and sometimes date--their underage sons.

Many demographers, psychologists and single women say infant mortality, the devastating effects of alcohol and drug abuse, homicides, and the number of Black men who are incarcerated are the main reasons for the growing number of older women-younger men romances.

Simply put: there aren't enough "eligible" men to go around. Statistics support the perception. One of every four Black women will never marry, compared to a 1-in-10 ratio for White women, according to a recent Census Bureau report on marriage trends.

"Its very difficult to be sane in insane places," says Dr. James E. Savage Jr., a clinical psychologist in Washington, D.C. "Black women are struggling to find men their age or older."

A growing number of Black women are turning to men like Lonzi (Lowe) Edwards, a 25-year-old college student in Washington, D.C., who works at the federal Department of Health & Human Services. He prefers older women.

Having dated women from 30 to 45, Edwards ticks off several reasons for his choice of more mature companions, including their wider range of interests, career contacts, long-term friendship and fun.

"The older woman is usually looking more at having fun than building a relationship," he says. "I'm not a good-time Charlie, but I mean it's less of a headache than a younger woman who's looking for a boyfriend or someone to settle down with."

Keith Ridley is another young man who prefers older women. Five years ago, he started dating a Washington, D.C., physician who was 30 years his senior. He was 19 at the time, and he can still recall her shock when he finally told her his age over a candlelight dinner.

"She thought that I was 25,"he says describing her surprise. "But when she found out I was 19, she had to go in the bathroom, and she stayed in there for about three hours. During that time, she would come out and walk back. When she came out and finally got her composure, she said, 'I don't care. Age ain't nothing but a number."'

A fifth-generation mortician, Ridley attributes his maturity to his family and the serious demeanor that comes with the funeral profession. Its a personality, he says, that makes it hard for him to deal with younger women.

"Where many of these girls go, I've already been," he says. "They begin to bore you because they sit there and start talking about things that are of no concern to me at that point in my life. I could care less where you get your hair done. It looks fine to me."

Dating someone three decades older, though, means lifestyle compromises. For example, Ridley's older companion occasionally would join him at a rap concert, and he would escort her to the ballet. "I fit in well into her activities because I wanted to be a part of the 'Boule' society and the upper crust," he says. "So, it literally nurtured me."

The two continued to date and the relationship lasted almost three years. It ended, he says, because he felt that he was too young at the time to get married. He is now 24 and dating another woman who is 48. "She understands that as long as we're together and we're stable, we have no problems," he says. "She knows that the funeral career is a 24-hour business, and that my career comes first. She's given me time to get the career established, but she knows that in due time, I intend to marry her."

For those men who do find love, harmony and happiness with older women, the age difference just doesn't seem to matter that much. The older women, these men say, bring a sense of maturity and confidence into the relationships, making it easier for men to face social obstacles, whether it's befriending a mate's older children or dealing with the stares of strangers.