How to tell if he's the marrying kind

Ebony, March, 1998 by Melissa Swey

YOU'VE been in a committed relationship for a while, and marriage might seem like the logical next step. But long after the vows have been said and the last piece of wedding cake is gone, you've got to live with the mate you've chosen. If you picked the wrong man, your marriage could end in disaster.

If you think your relationship needs a reality check, the following tips will help you decide if he's marriage material:

1) He has health relationships with others.

The relationships a man has with his family, friends and ex-girlfriends can give insight into his real views on commitment. "We're supposed to learn what marriage is like from our parents," says Ronn Elmore, Ph.D., a Los Angeles-based psychologist and author of How to Love a Black Man and the forthcoming How to Love a Black Woman. "Obviously, many of us didn't benefit from that kind of [positive] model."

Along with negative family environments, divorce and abusive relationships can damage a man's perception of a healthy relationship. "If all he's got to go on is what he's seen, and he hasn't seen it [marriage] done well, there might be problems as a result," says Elmore.

"If you're dating someone who's from a divorced family or who has issues about marriage and commitment, he might only know people who have had trouble with that," says Monique Jellerette deJongh, co-author (with Cassandra Cato-Louis) of How to Marry a Black Man, a self-help book being made into a motion picture. She suggests socializing with married couples to improve his outlook.

Pay close attention to how he relates to his family. Is he affectionate with his mother? Is he respectful of his sisters? When you attend a family get-together, is the mood loving or tense? Perhaps the best indicator of his willingness and readiness to marry is his dating history. Did he have any healthy, long-term relationships before he met you, or is his past filled with one-night stands? If the latter is true, he might not be ready for a long-term commitment.

2) You have a lot in common.

Your man is handsome. He's got a good job that pays well. He knows how to give a great foot massage. That's all well and good, but it's not enough to hold a marriage together.

"When you look beyond the curtain, there's got to be something going on inside the house," says actress and comedienne Kim Coles. Known for her role as Sinclair James on Living Single, she is the author of I'm Free, But It'll Cost You.

Can you talk to each other for hours on end? Or is your time together punctuated by awkward silences?

"You should complement each other intellectually, spiritually and financially," says Coles. The size of a man's wallet, she adds, isn't nearly as important as his ambition. "As long as he has as much drive as I do, that's what really matters."

The old-fashioned notion of not marrying outside of your religion or class has a basis in reality, says Jellerette deJongh. "There are many mixed marriages -- mixed races, mixed religions, etc. -- but you're asking for a challenge ... because you're going to have to see how compatible these different aspects of your two personalities are."

3) He communicates with you.

Before you even start making wedding plans, you need to communicate honestly with each other. "You won't be able to get to the marriage conversation if you haven't talked about intimate and important issues," says Cato-Louis. "I need someone to talk to me," adds Coles. "Tell me how you're feeling, let me know if I can help you." Unfortunately, men aren't always good at expressing themselves. "Men tend to be `doers' more than `sayers'," says Dr. Elmore. "For a woman, talking love is a continuing reminder of our `us'-ness. For a man, doing things and succeeding is a continuing reminder of his love because he's showing it.

"Sometimes, we misunderstand each other's style and agenda and think there's something phony about the love," he continues. "There's. nothing wrong; we just express it differently."

Discussing your future together can prevent confusion down the road. "We're not inclined to talk about these things naturally," Jellerette deJongh says. "It takes a certain kind of assertiveness to say we need to talk about these things. You need to ask: `What's our five-and ten-year plan? Where do we want to be in 20 years? What does family mean to us? Let's redefine it for ourselves so we're not going on an assumption."

If you're having trouble communicating, pre-marital counseling can help bring issues to the surface. "It can never hurt you to get help," says Jellerette deJongh. If you can't see a professional therapist, your minister or a close friend might be of assistance.

"To me, it's not sufficient to meet with the minister once or twice before the wedding," says Cato-Louis. "You should talk with a third party so that in case some of the issues haven't come up, they can before you say `I do.'" She suggests at least three to six months of counseling before the wedding date.

4) He has a positive attitude about marriage.

If you ask your man what he thinks about marriage and he says he isn't really thinking about getting married right now, don't wait around forever hoping he'll change his mind. "Why would you waste your time if you want to get married?" asks Dr. Elmore.