Modern parenting: sharing the load

Ebony, April, 1993

WHEN the alarm sounds before dawn, an increasing number of professional career couples with small children hit the floor running. While many grapple with groggy little ones who refuse to recognize the rising sun, others scurry around to prepare breakfast, iron clothes, find the baby's missing sock or search in vain for misplaced business reports or lipstick tubes--all before darting out to the car for work.

There are more than 14 million working married couples with children (under age 18) in the United States, according to the U. S. Census Bureau, and more than a million are Black.

But unlike the old days, when fathers were the only ones rushing out the door for work while mothers labored at home, today's career-minded Black couples share the financial, parental and housework load. Some couples--like Heidi and Marcel Lue of San Antonio, Texas--split daily household and child care duties despite their demanding work schedules, while other career couples--like Michelle and Larry Rachal of Los Angeles and Chicagoans Fred and Lolita Bates--find that certain chores naturally befall one spouse or the other, depending on their unique circumstances. But in each case, these career parents say that their family comes first.

Heidi and Marcel Lue, both 32, are determined old pros at creative sharing of chores. Although they've trekked through three cities, following Heidi's career as a Xerox finance marketing manager, the two have had virtually no problem balancing her job and his position as assistant staff director for Boys Town Emergency Shelter with their roles as parents to daughter, Maurielle, 8, and son, Myles, 3.

The Lues, who have been married for 12 years, began sharing home-related duties long before their children came along. So when their daughter was born, they automatically shared in the responsibility of bathing and diapering the baby, too. "We took turns, " says Heidi. "It was the logical thing to do. We didn't plan a schedule or anything; we just decided that we're in this together. "

Now together the Lues tackle each hectic day with fervor. "It's a madhouse!" says Heidi when describing normal weekday mornings that usually begin at 5 a.m., to give themselves a good half hour for quiet time, exercise or a rap session. But by 5:30 a. m., they are off and running, with Heidi preparing the children's lunch sandwiches, and Marcel ironing their clothes. ("If it's a good night, we plan ahead, but that doesn't happen all the time," says Heidi.)

The weekdays' hustle and bustle hardly ever allows most career families the luxury of a sit-down breakfast, but it's mandatory in the Lue home. "I think that it's important that my family gets a good meal to start out the day, " Heidi says of the fare of scrambled eggs, sausage, toast and juice, that she serves each morning. "That's why I get up so early. "

While the kids eat breakfast, Heidi snatches a minute or two to dress, and Marcel combs their daughter's hair.

Since Marcel starts work a little later than his wife, he drops Myles at the day care, and Heidi picks up the children on her way home from work.

Once home in the evening, the entire family settles in for homework sessions. Both parents help out.

The Lues, like other professional couples, share grocery shopping, laundry and dry cleaning responsibilities, too. But when it comes to cooking, Heidi prefers the task. "I clean up," she jests. "He'll leave things on the counter." Heidi cooks a few big meals over the weekend to sustain her family the following week. And since time is such a scarce commodity in the Lue household, they search for creative ways to spend more time with their children--even if that means running personal errands during lunch breaks at work.

Though it appears that the Lues have smoothed over every rough edge, Heidi says the pressures of juggling home, family and careers can be overwhelming. "The most stressful part of it is trying to fit in family time along with the work time," Heidi says candidly, "because sometimes I have to bring work home," and other times, husband Marcel works on-call or must spend his evenings in night school, studying for his bachelor's degree in sociology.

Nevertheless, the Lues make time for their son's day care programs and their daughter's Brownie meetings. And while Sundays are usually designated family days, the weekends are also reserved for personal time. "Sometimes we give each other a break,- Heidi says. "My husband will watch the kids and I'll go out with my girlfriends, " and then the next week, she'll watch the kids while he relaxes with friends.

Even when professional couples both hold intense and demanding jobs, many times the majority of the household and child-rearing responsibilities fall on the woman. But not in the Rachals household in Los Angeles.

It's just fairness," says 34-year-old Michelle, a beauty salon owner, who averages 12-hour days. "I cannot carry all the weight. He's their father. It's his responsibility just like it is mine. "

But Michelle is not complaining about her husband, Larry. A computer consultant for small businesses, Larry has an office set up in their home. He transports their sons, Ryan, 10, and Bryan, 7, to and from school, washes a few loads of laundry in between client calls every day and assists the children with their homework after school. "I'm blessed that my husband is home with the kids," says Michelle, noting the multiple benefits of their arrangement, including the fact that "we don't have to send them to a sitter."