Love signs: 32 ways to tell if he's for real - Sisterspeak - Column

Ebony, May, 1997 by Laura B. Randolph

The 22-year-old daughter of a close male friend called the other night to ask: How can you tell when a man really loves you? Do you know how close I came to replying, "Honey, if I knew the answer to that, I'd be sipping champagne in my oceanfront villa fielding $10-a-minute calls to Laura's Love Line."

But I didn't. Truth be told, I couldn't. You see, the young woman's father is a single Dad with whom I have been friends for years. When his baby was just a baby, I made John a promise: When his daughter reached the age when she had questions that either he or she felt were quintessentially female, she could call me, her older and hopefully wiser Aunt Laura, for answers. At the time, it seemed like a great deal for all three of us. John wouldn't have to worry that his daughter. Shelly, was getting uninformed advice, Shelly wouldn't have to feel self-conscious about asking her father "woman questions" and I could get in a little "mother practice" without the total emotional commitment required of a good one.

For years, the system worked like a charm. And then came that night a few weeks ago when Shelly called and hit me with The Question. I could tell by the way she asked it (the same way she had once asked me where babies come from and what to do for cramps) that she was certain I would know the answer. When she heard the hesitation in my voice, I am not sure who was more disappointed, Shelly or me, when I could not come up with response that was as clear and precise as "Midol and a hot water bottle" and "from their mother's stomach."

So what did I tell my friend's daughter about how a woman can tell when a man loves her? Something weak, I'm afraid, like, "Well, Honey, it's easy to recognize, but hard to define." This was followed by a sober and virtually useless discussion of emotional risks and rewards and the importance of listening to your heart when it comes to the Big Questions about life and love and the meaning of either.

Long after that phone call ended, Shelly's question continued to haunt me, and not just because I hadn't been able to give her a clearcut answer. As I later explained to her father, it came on the heels of a lunch I had with a recently engaged 40-year-old friend who, three weeks before her wedding day, confessed to wondering the same thing: Even if you think he loves you, how can you be 100 percent sure?

The answer, of course, is you can't. When it comes to relationships, there are no guarantees, no E=[MC.sup.2] for love. But, as I discovered when I polled a group of smart, savvy Sisters who always seem to be lucky in love, there are telltale clues--"love signs" you can read to help you decide if he's in it for the long haul. Like he:

* Tells you he wants to stop dating other people.

* Stops dating other people.

* Calls you every day.

* Calls you several times a day.

* Gets allergy shots rather than let you get rid of your beloved Fluffy.

* Treats your mother like his own.

* Makes you the beneficiary of his IRA.

* Makes you breakfast the morning after.

* Watches Murphy Brown with you and records Monday Night Football.

* Watches your back.

* Goes to the drug-store at 2 a.m. to get your prescription filled.

* Uses the words "we," "us" and "our" whenever he talks about the future.

* Is genuinely glad for your successes, even if you're hitting homers at the office while he's temporarily batting zip.

* Gives you your space when you really need it.

* Gives you your way when you really want it.

* Keeps a photo of you on his desk.

* Keeps his promises.

* Comes into the bedroom, or shower to nuzzle your neck, then leaves without a word.

* Comes over in the middle of the night when you call and say you hear funny noises in the basement

* Stocks his refrigerator with all your favorite foods.

* Gives you top priority over work and all other relationships--friends, fret brothers, even family.

* Cuts your grass/changes the oil in your car/assembles your Stairmaster before you even have a chance to ask.

* Doesn't turn around--just keeps looking at you--when you tell him there's a woman at the next table who looks just like Halle Berry.

* Always burns around to watch you walk away. And doesn't stop looking until you disappear from view.

* Says your name with such tenderness it sounds like poetry.

* Lets you drive his new car, and when you tell him you accidentally backed it into a telephone pole, the only thing he says is, "Baby, are you hurt?"

* Brags about you to his friends.

* Always holds open your door, pulls out your chair, helps you on with your coat.

* Never takes you for granted.

* Gives you the keys to his place.

* Gives you the keys to his heart.

And last but not least, it's a good bet a man loves you when the only "no" he tells you is "no limits."