Less than awesome film haunts her

National Catholic Reporter, Feb 4, 2005 by Rich Heffern

"OK so I just saw the creepiest thing ever. Me and my friend Ashley, who by the way is a total hootchie because she went to the prom with Ryan when everyone knows he was going to ask me, so like we both watched this freaky videotape last night that--oh my God!--the parental units liked too.

"Yeah, all right ... backstory.

"At the video store, I asked the adorably cute desk clerk with a crystal hanging around his neck and a ring on his finger to give me the next best thing since I can't have him, so he hands me this tape called 'What the Bleep Do We Know!?' and I'm thinking, oh my God, my parents already got this but if Hottie liked it then maybe it's totally awesome.

"Well, it all started with this freaky quantum science stuff ... galaxies twirling and then these computer graphic effects, one right after another, followed by old scientist guys explaining quantum physics. I was OK with that, it's cool, you know, modern science for dummies, but then totally lamebrained stuff was mixed in.

"I mean, like this suburban woman with too much makeup is channeling this ancient entity Ramtha who is this 35,000-year-old dude from Atlantis, dispensing wisdom right and left. Like Ash knew all about her--J.Z. Knight is her name. Apparently big movie star Shirley MacLaine wept for joy when Knight told her once that MacLaine had been Ramtha's brother in a past life. Yeah, right! What a coincidence, huh?

"Ash said Knight's predictions, like California and Florida plopping into the ocean, hadn't come true and also Ramtha had made some way homophobic statements. Oh, I got it, so that's why Florida and California were targeted!

"Then comes this photographer lady who's like in a perpetual bad mood because her slimy husband cheated on her, until this black kid tells her to chill and throw some hoops. She's like plunged into chaos, while the characters she encounters on her odyssey reveal this deeper, hidden knowledge she doesn't even realize she asked for. She finds out that the reality she believed in about how men are, how relationships with others should be, and how her emotions are affecting her work isn't reality at all!

"So she like relaxes, conquers her fears, gains wisdom and wins the keys to the great secrets of the ages, like all in the most entertaining way as she just re-defines her problems away. She is no longer the victim of circumstances, but on the way to being the creative force in her life, since we all create our own reality and can achieve prosperity if we just visualize it.

"They back this up 'scientifically' with this old Japanese professor and his experiments with water drops. He tapes written words to glasses of water. The next day beautiful crystals appear on jars with words like 'love.' But if you emoted dark, gloomy vibes around the water drops--like teenagers do all the time--then those crystals turn gnarly.

"And since human bodies are mostly water, oh my God, well, you can draw your own conclusions.

"Not only that, but finally this movie comes out and says it: 'You are God in the making--you, me, Ash, the 'rents, Michael Jackson, Eminem, Christina Ricci, everyone. Yeah right! They kept dissing organized religions (the photographer hates churches because she married her cheating husband in one) but I swear to God some of this stuff seemed to me just as full of crap as any church can be.

"I mean like what's up with this? If those 200,000 Asian tsunami victims had just manifested more positive, kinder, joyful thoughts, those evil earthquake waves would have evaporated like gumdrops or turned into groovy crystal shapes? Did they create their reality that sucked thousands of kids out to sea and drowned them? Visualize calm seas? I mean ... Get real! Of course, mostly good outcomes come to white middle-class-type people in America, but if you live anywhere else in the world, I mean, like, my God, you're up you-know-what creek without a paddle.

"Every teen knows reality now is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it. In a world where the average fish in the ocean has more mercury in it than a rectal thermometer and Eskimos sunbathe on their new warm beaches, my parents are busy turning themselves into blissed-out ninnies, busy pressing the reward button of life.

"Scary? Bleep, yeah!

"Then it was over, thank God, but the phone rang and this creaky, hissing Japanese-sounding voice said we were going to either die or get fries a week later, I couldn't understand which, so I went with the lesser of two evils, me, since I'd learned from the video. So I was like, awesome! I love fries!

"Ash sighed, 'Of course, they'll probably make a sequel.'

"Whatever."

[When he's not channeling the conversation of teenage astro-explorers, Rich Heffern can be reached at Heffern@diocesekcsj.org.]