Church, state join struggle to save U.S. marriages

National Catholic Reporter, Sept 17, 1999 by Judy Gross

Programs aim to equip couples for happy union

Marriage is in vogue.

Gen Xers, according to American Demographics, a journal tracking business trends, are donning tuxes and veils in record numbers. The Census Bureau reports about half of Gen Xers (Americans between the ages of 20 and 35) are married now, and projections are two-thirds of them will tie the knot by 2001. That would gladden the hearts of those who see marriage and the family as the principal hope for civilization.

The downside, however, is that divorce also remains in vogue. While 85 percent of Gen Xers will have settled down to wedded bliss by 2010, the experts predict that fully half their unions will end in divorce.

Based on those predictions, Diane Sollee, executive director of the Coalition of Marriage, Family and Couple Education, a nonprofit, nondenominational clearinghouse in Washington, throws rice pudding on the enthusiasm some show about the rush to wed. "What's with all the rosy bubbles about a 56 percent marriage rate as a sign Gen Xers are moving back towards marriage?" she asks. While the actual numbers may be impressive, Sollee points out, "That's only 1 percent higher than the lowest rate ever recorded in the U.S."

Susan Clarke of the National Center for Health Statistics reports the marriage rate has actually fallen 41 percent since 1960 among all age groups. Add another sign of distress for family value advocates: Gen Xers are floating trial balloons before tying the legal knot by cohabiting in record numbers as well. In March 1998, 4.2 million couples were cohabiting, according to Clarke.

That mixed nuptial picture is running head-on into a new determination in America to make marriages last. The effort is spearheaded by the expected groups -- churches, synagogues and temples -- but they are being joined today by a growing number of secular organizations and city and state governments all keen to keep families together.

"Catholics are leaders in all this," says Sollee. She wryly adds, "They had the right idea, but it's not getting there." Practicing Catholics have the same 50 percent divorce rate as most other groups in America.

Sollee was talking about the Catholic church's insistence on marriage preparation courses, which originated in the Pre-Cana Conference movement, begun in Chicago in the 1940s.

Though Catholic churches have long required pre-marriage instruction, efforts in Protestant denominations have been inconsistent. Now, however, most mainline denominations, as well as the evangelical ones, insist on marriage prep programs for engaged couples.

Though there is an array of programs called by various names -- Marriage Savers, Crossing Out Divorce, Live the Life Ministries, Engaged Encounter -- all have the same goal of driving down the 50 percent divorce rate by equipping couples for happy marriages.

It's a formidable task. A 1991 report by the National Commission on Children lists the United States as having the highest divorce rate in the world. Mormons are the least likely to divorce if they marry within their religion. Only 13 percent have divorced after five years of marriage, compared with 20 percent of Catholics and Protestants in the same rime period. Four of every 10 Jewish marriages end in divorce after five years.

Not long ago, pollster George Gallup told a National Press Club meeting in Washington, "Divorce has become so endemic that we hardly notice it, even though we suffer the effects in so many ways."

Why have churches (the setting for 75 percent of marriages) basically failed?

There's no easy answer, but many schemes are being tried to reverse things.

These days, for instance, the Chicago archdiocese runs a "Dinner for Two," where couples put aside the daily grind of kids, car payments and time clocks and pay a small fee to have an intimate dining experience with a purpose: rekindle the spark that brought them together in the first place.

In more than 100 cities across the country, church and state have come together in concerted efforts to build strong marriages by adopting community marriage policies, agreeing to provide marriage prep sessions or divorce prevention counseling.

Community marriage policies

The Catholic and non-Catholic clergy and lay people of Lexington, Ky., have put together a carefully thought-out community marriage policy with the help of a task force representing religious, community and business leaders. Bishop J. Kendrick Williams supported the effort that resulted in the "Bluegrass Community Marriage Policy." The emphasis is on supporting healthy families.

Clergy in Culpepper, Va., were the 100th group to sign on to a community marriage policy. Their program goes a step further than most, asking couples living together to stop having a physical relationship before marrying. That demand is made in addition to other components of the program, like a courtship of at least one year.

While community marriage policies make good press, other work is going on quietly behind the scenes with couples that have strong marriages helping couples whose marriages are struggling.