A haven of love for neglected children

National Catholic Reporter, Jan 19, 1996 by Pamala Schaeffer, Carolyn Nava

Our story is about Golden Buckets, the experimental foster care program for hard-to-place children that we began developing eight years ago, when Delilah came into our lives. When I, Carolyn' decided to take Delilah Ramirez into my home, she was a wisp of an 11-year-old child, barely tipping the scales at 49 pounds.

I was administrator of the day psychiatric care center at the University of Colorado Health Sciences Center in Denver, where Delilah, a foster child, had come as a patient. The staff knew of no program that could meet her multiple needs. In end-stage renal disease as the result of a birth defect, she required 10 hours of peritorneal dialysis each night. She had suffered both abandonment and abuse and tested as borderline mentally retarded.

Dismayed by the lack of options for this little girl, I agreed to take Delilah as my own foster child with the intention of adopting her. Although I initially felt I had the resources to care for her, it wasn't long before I felt overwhelmed. Recently divorced, a mother of two grown children, my status as a single parent loomed before me. I had been a vibrant woman with a career in health care administration and, most recently, a successful 10-year term as an opera singer. A few weeks after I took Delilah in, I felt my life slipping away.

Though described as "docile, compliant" by hospital personnel, I found her to be a seething caldron. In an attempt to be heard, she had ripped a feeding tube from her nose, refused, food, become silent. She responded to my efforts to get her to eat normally by vomiting and throwing a plate of food. across the room. She tried to run away, testing me by challenging, "You don't love me."

For years I had kept in touch by phone with a friend and colleague from my early nursing days, Elizabeth Rosen, who was then living in Los Angeles. This time when I called, she heard in my voice the desperation I was trying to hide. The personification of all that is Irish-Catholic, Liz came immediately for visit, bringing her two young sons. Her presence was itself a question: How can I help?"

"Just being here is help enough," I told her, and I fervently meant it. Other friends and family had slipped into conspicuous silence. I felt totally alone. No, it is not enough," she said. "We need a plan. What will it take to raise this child?"

Liz helped me realize that, although at 44 I was energetic and competent, I wouldn't be able alone to give Delilah the quality of life both Elizabeth and I felt all children should have.

Together we came up with a program, which served not only Delilah, but 32 other hard-to-place children, many physically and emotionally impaired.

Today Delilah is a talented high school senior and student at the Denver School of Arts. She recently took top honors in a state competition for her sculpture depicting the Holocaust. Medical technology has given her a new kidney; Golden Buckets gave her self-respect. We closed the program last January, phasing it out by attrition as we found suitable homes for each of the children. Now we want to share what we learned, to offer a model for others. This report is the first step.

When Carolyn Nava decided in 1987 to take on the challenge of raising Delilah, she thought she could hire people to help with Delilah's care. She soon realized that one of the child's deepest fears - and perhaps the root of her failure to thrive - was her fear of dependency on people who could die or abandon her. "I realized that I couldn't be everything to her because it would be cheating her and, quite frankly, also myself," Nava said.

When Elizabeth Rosen came to visit, she was "dumbfounded" by the challenge her friend had taken on: "I remember our first evening together with Delilah distinctly," she said. "She was a scared little girl, yet I could tell that Carolyn felt deeply connected to her."

The two women sat up until early morning imagining how they might develop a caring community, not just for Delilah but for other children with unusual needs. "We also talked about respite needs for parents of those children; about how quickly people in the medical community make judgments when parents can't meet their expectations," Rosen said, "I was listening to Delilah's machine in the next room, with the alarm going off every time she turned over, and I knew Carolyn could not do this alone."

Nava said, "The question became: How do you form an extended family to care for children with hard-to-meet needs or for people of any age who are best served outside An institution?

"At first, I looked at Liz with a strong impulse to weep, but she was matter-of-factly sitting in front of me, pen in hand, ready to set my words to paper.

"In the morning, we looked at the papers that lay before us and we were both aware that a guiding force had brought us together for a great journey."

During the next few years, the program gram they designed acquired a state license to operate as a child-placement agency in the Denver region and brought 33 children out of hospitals arid shelters.