On the Road to Same-Sex Marriage: A Supportive Guide to Psychological, Political and Legal Issues

National Catholic Reporter, Feb 27, 1998 by Chuck Colbert

Another moving and highly persuasive chapter deals with spirituality and religion. "The most significant common theme for same-sex couples who marry has to do with connection to family and community," writes Douglas Haldeman, a counseling psychologist. "In every case, the marriage ceremony was described as being central to the couple's ability to embed their commitment in a social context. For some, the primary factor associated with this sense of community was family of origin," he writes.

"Most of the couples," Haldeman continues, "reported that following their weddings, they experienced an enhanced sense of internal cohesiveness as a result of their public declarations."

As John, a man in a case study, put it, "People see us differently; I expect people to respect us."

How did same-sex marriage become such a hot topic in politics and the media? On Dec. 3, 1996, a Circuit Court in Hawaii declared the state's ban on same-gender marriage to be unconstitutional. The state constitution prohibits discrimination on the basis of gender; therefore, the same-sex marriage ban violated the island's guarantee of equal protection under state law.

If the state Supreme Court upholds Judge Kevin Chang's decision -- as is expected by many legal experts sometime soon -- Hawaii may become the first state to legalize same-sex marriage. (A same-sex marriage legal challenge is also underway in Vermont.) The only detour to same-sex marriage on the islands would be an amendment to the state constitution. Hawaiian voters are set to vote on such a ballot measure -- banning same-sex marriage -- in November 1998.

Anticipating a favorable outcome from the court, Cabaj, an associate professor of psychiatry, and Purcell, a psychologist and attorney, advocate legalizing same-sex marriage, making a forceful case in the context of civil rights protections -- fairness, equality and nondiscrimination. On the Road to Same-Sex Marriage reads like a pep talk to same-sex partners, providing sound advice and practical counsel to same-sex parents on everything from donor insemination and foster care, to visitation rights and adoption. The appendix and the references at the end of each chapter offer excellent resources to help understand and protect same-sex relationships, including legal and financial safeguards.

Experts estimate same-sex parents in lesbian or gay-headed households are currently raising between 6 million and 14 million children in this country. At the heart of Cabaj and Purcell's argument is genuine concern and advocacy for these children who do not enjoy the same psychological security, financial and legal benefits as children of opposite gender parents.

Moreover, as Kathryn Kendell, an attorney, argues in one chapter, "Lesbian Couples creating Families," children within lesbian or gay relationships -- lacking the legal protections of marriage -- are often at risk of being removed from their homes by unsympathetic courts. Biology and bias can trump ability or fitness to parent, as one case so dramatically illustrates: Mary Ward, a lesbian mother from Pensacola, Fla., lost custody of her youngest daughter to her ex-husband who had served eight years in prison for murdering his first wife.