Between Fathers and Sons. - book reviews

National Catholic Reporter, March 28, 1997 by Judith Bromberg

By Michael Smith, SJ Ave Maria Press, 144 pages, $16.95

OK! Listen up, you parents out there. Also you teachers, directors of religious education, youth ministers and even small-group facilitators. This review has something for you.

All five of these books start with the premise that children and families are worth our effort. Effort translates into time and, aside from necessary time-consuming tasks, time well spent translates into the sharing and passing on of Christian values. Each of these books is either a pep talk for parents or a handbook for intergenerational faith- and value-sharing, or both.

Kathleen Chesto has a broad background in family ministry and religious education, all grounded in her personal experience as a mother. Raising Kids Who Care is a series of essays exploring the "spiritual and moral development of children and the particular problems they face growing up."

The essays are directed at "those who feel we are capable of making a difference in creating a more loving, less violent society for the next generation."

All children seem to be born with some degree of empathy, she contends. "How that empathy develops into moral reasoning and what we as parents and teachers can do to enhance that development" is the focus of the first part of her book. "Empathy," she asserts, "is the most basic [route] to morality," and from empathy she moves into shame and guilt, sharing, rules and decision-making.

Shame and guilt are not necessarily destructive feelings. They are, as they should be, "uncomfortable feelings" and as such can prod us to a higher standard of behavior. "Sharing" is her litmus test of morality. "Real sharing represents the ability to consider not just the rights but the feelings and needs of others.... Real sharing is the child's introduction to the gospel's fundamental option for the poor."

Under "rules" she writes that a child's respect for authority is the single most important moral legacy we pass on to our children and, moving on, that "decision-making is one of the most important life skills to be acquired in early childhood."

With this grounding in basic values, Chesto advances in Part Two to address some of the common dilemmas young people face today, examining such issues as cheating, lying, jealousy, bullying and sexual issues, and ends with the need for real heroes and the necessity of prayer in the lives of children.

Each segment concludes with follow-up questions, discussion ideas and possible activities for parents and teachers. That these essays first appeared as columns under the heading "Helping Today's Children" spotlights both their strengths and their weaknesses: They are short, pithy pieces usually with one strong point to make as one would hope to find in a well-written column, but lacking sustained analysis. From this book, parents might surely pick up many good ideas but they won't find many solid answers.

When I came to this next book, Growing in Wisdom, Age and Grace, by Cardinal Joseph Bernardin, I hoped it would be really, really good, or else I'd have to be really, really agile with my words. Stand by while I tiptoe my way through this one.

When he learned he had terminal cancer, Bernardin hastened to complete the projects dearest to his heart, one of which was this book. In a beautiful opening letter to parents, he acknowledges that parenting can be a lonely and overwhelming task and that this guide was intended to affirm and support parents in their efforts to share their faith. He envisions the book as a kind of gift to parents as they live out their "great and beautiful vocation to nurture a new generation of loving, informed and committed followers of Jesus."

In its six sections, the book first describes family life today, then looks at five developmental plateaus and shows how each can be shaped into a spiritual platform as well. It is a visually attractive book, full of color photographs. Each section closes with salient quotations from a variety of church documents.

As a bequest to parents, it is more than enough to let them know they have his prayers and support, but not enough to be really helpful. It is long on common sense and the broad brush strokes that make up Christian parenting, but short on the deft, defining and enlightened insights that a person of Bernardin's passion and stature might bring to it. He offered this, as noted, as a gift to parents. To tweak the metaphor, the book seems more like a keepsake greeting card than a mighty, meaningful heirloom.

Now if you want specific, practical guidelines and down-to-earth, usable suggestions, have I got news for you! Laurie Bowen looked around for just such a book, found none and so wrote her own, gathering "theories, ideas and resources into an easy-to-use and idea-sparking manual."

Whereas the project was conceived initially for home-schooling families, any family with children in public or parochial school who wants to practice faith-sharing at home will find in Food for Your Family's Spirit a wealth of ideas and resources they could adopt or adapt.