This is a messy church of varieties and quirks

National Catholic Reporter, April 26, 1996 by Tim Unsworth

I am besotted by diocesan newspapers and parish bulletins. I gather and read them in search of ideas for another publication that rashly employs me. I also have wonderful chews of the fat with clergy and professional church mice. My spouse views me as certifiable. She is drifting toward Buddhism in search of a noninstitutional conversation.

(An aside: Usually, I read the printed stuff at night while watching PBS -- such programs as the one about bugs mating on the Kalahari. This reminds me of a quirky historical figure. a Basque Jesus named Antonio Maria. Arregui who taught more theology when Paul VI was a seminarian in the early 1920s. Arregui was notorious for moral reasoning on the distance from which one might properly view copulating animals before incurring sin. Poor Paul was taught that it depended entirely on the size of the animals: Flies could be observed from relatively close range. elephants only from afar. Think about it. From there, Paul VI went on to write Humanae Vitae.)

But back to the topic at hand. My readings and conversations reveal a church with more varieties and quirks than a contemporary bagel shop. Some observations and exegesis:

* Most diocesan papers carry movie reviews but seldom reviews of books. The official church is anti-intellectual, but there are exceptions. One diocesan paper printed a fawning review of the history of episcopal crests. This is must reading for anyone with scarlet fever.

* Parish bulletins reveal whether the tires meet the street. One large, urban parish listed weekly meetings for overeaters, debtors, cocaine addicts, alcoholics, persons troubled by sex and love, separated and divorced Catholics, Al-Anon and adult children of alcoholics, along with a host of prayer and Bible study groups. Other parishes appear to be problem-free, holding only bingo nights and spaghetti suppers. Their pastors have their heads buried in the sanctuary rugs.

* On Sunday, in a church parking lot, one can find equal numbers of "prolife" and "pro-choice" bumper stickers.

* Churches with declining memberships have made few changes. But they reason that it's better to decline than welcome.

* Few diocesan papers carry essays by priests that reflect their lived experience. A priest looking for recognition stands a better chance if he bakes cookies for the bake sale or signs on as chaplain to the local archery team.

* The shortage of priests worsens as denial rises. In some areas, priests ordained a year are pastors and older priests minister to as many as five parishes. Even in large dioceses, it's not too hard to find priests who officiate at seven to nine Masses, including weddings, each weekend. Some priests travel more than 500 miles each week, just to celebrate Eucharist. In some parishes, the policy is BYOP (bring your own priest) if you hope to marry or be laid to rest.

* I am observing that some Catholics are electing to go to the next world with no funeral service at all. Those concise, paid obituaries in the secular press often reveal obvious Catholic roots but go on to announce "no services," or say the service will be at the funeral home.

* The Eucharistic Liturgy in the Absence of a Priest appears to be settling in. Some priests are absent because they've got a funeral that morning but others simply don't want to leave their beds. Instead, a nun or layperson -- often measurably older than the priest -- is expected to do the job. Sadly, the designated-hitter liturgy appears to have made lazy priests even lazier.

* And then one discovers a parish that once had only 200 Sunday regulars and now, under leadership of an inspired priest, draws 1,800 worshipers on Sunday-one-third of them non-Catholics. This parish, once in danger of closing, now averages $14,000 each week in the collection. It has an active group of FARCs (Fallen Away Roman Catholics), health and dental care programs for needy parishioners, a daycare center, thrift shop, restaurant -- even a two-bed hospice.

* The most contented priests appear to be those around 50, in parish work and keeping a distance from institutional authority. They remind me of air traffic controllers who operate by a guidebook but are unafraid to make on-the-spot decisions that vary from regulations. Some of these priests really stretch, given cogent pastoral reasons. One married a couple on their horses; another baptized a kid in the Mississippi. Many more grant annulments "in the box" and most will bury the unburiable with words of petition.

These same men have also come to terms with the problem of intimacy in whatever way they can. It can get messy, but at least they are alive.

* Dioceses continue to spend huge amounts of money to maintain a seminary program that simply isn't working. It's cheaper to train astronauts. Meanwhile, dioceses spend virtually nothing to train religious sisters or brothers for leadership roles and only a little more on laity.

* Despite a lot of talk about the laity, it remains a clerical church: Just read the slathering accounts of the installations of new bishops. They are invested not only with watered silk but with virtues that rank them among the choirs of angels. One diocese has recently offered each institution a portrait of their pompous, beaming bishop for just $700.