Loss and the grieving process - death of loved ones

Parks & Recreation, May, 1997 by Mary Lou Cappel, Susan Leifer Mathieu

RELATED ARTICLE: Easing the Pain Through Intervention

Finding comfort in the death of a loved one can seem an impossible task, but those who experience the support of a social network or the intervention of a professional may find the trauma less overwhelming. Assisting with the dying and bereaved is a difficult task because it reminds us of our personal losses, as well as heightens our awareness of our own future losses.

We may begin to question our belief system and re-evaluate our lives. The most commonly asked questions about loss and grief are:

Q: What do I say?

A: Hearing about a loss can be both awkward and terrifying. But despite your own personal feelings, the bereaved foremost needs genuine empathy, reassurance and support. In a caring manner you state that you are very sorry about the loss, and acknowledge that the loved one will be missed very much. Do not attempts to minimize the loss with cliches or simplistic, pat answers. In addition, refrain from relating personal examples of loss.

Q: Is it okay to show emotion?

A: Although you may feel like crying as the bereaved begins talking about the loss, do not feel ashamed or less than professional. The emotional pain that you are feeling is real, and will be only temporarily disabling. As the caretaker, however, it is your primary responsibility to consider the needs of the bereaved first, and act with dignity and assurance.

Q: What can I do to help?

A: Most grief-stricken individuals don't know what they want or need. They may feel confused and have difficulty making decisions. In the interim, reassure the bereaved that he or she is not alone and offer specific and direct assistance which you know can relieve some of the burden of everyday life. As a professional, you are somewhat limited in the amount of personalized assistance you can give. If it is possible, offer to bring a meal to the home or attend the funeral service. There are numerous organizations and specific support groups which can provide assistance during this time, and you can refer the bereaved to one of these community and/or national associations. Later on, make yourself available as a good listener when the bereaved wants to talk about the loss.

Q: How long does the grieving process last?

A: The grieving process is different for each individual. It is both a natural and personal process which takes time. To ignore it, will only magnify the reaction at a later date, and the greater the loss, the more time it will take to heal. The process of healing is not a smooth and steady progression from sorrow to happiness. It is more like a jagged staircase, full to ups and downs, leaps forward and slides downward. A full range of emotions may be exhibited and knowing this helps in the grieving process. Typically, the process takes about a year, but it is not uncommon to extend beyond this time.

Q: What happens if the bereaved is still depressed after a year?

A: Unlike mental illness, the feelings suffered during grief both gradually and permanently disappear. However, when grieving is incomplete, delayed or unresolved, it can become the source of additional problems, including substance abuse, clinical depression, panic disorder, or illness. Although the bereaved is well within the normal range for grieving, it may be necessary to aggressively intervene. Strongly suggest that attending a support group or receiving counseling is in order, and supply the needed information for a smooth transition.