A final gift - and one of the best

Nation's Business, Dec, 1991 by Sharon Nelton

I've written before about my parents and their family business--particularly how being in business together strengthened their love for each other.

Mom died in August at age 75 from a leukemia that was mercifully brief but that gave most family members and friends time enough to say goodbye. In the months since, I've had a chance to think about what it means to prepare your family for your own death and about how grateful I am for some of the steps my parents took in advance.

Now, having lost someone so close to me for the first time, I am totally convinced that making as many decisions as you can well ahead of time is one of the greatest gifts you can give to your spouse and your children. It saves them the anguish of wondering what your wishes might have been and from having to make important decisions under the most acute emotional stress.

I think this is especially true in family businesses where parents are still owners and managers, and where estates and relationships are complex.

In our case, things were relatively simple. Although my brother and sister had once worked in the business, there was clearly no one in the family who wanted to take it over. The business was sold long ago, and my parents retired in modest comfort. Their will are as clear and relevant today as they were when they were drawn up a dozen years ago.

Three years ago, Mom and Dad made arrangements for cremation with a local funeral home and paid for everything then and there. This action underscored wishes they had expressed earlier to us children, and it spared us all, Dad included, from additional confusion and trauma when Mom's time came.

Though they had written a letter 15 years ago instructing that their lives not be prolonged by artificial means, early this year they were persuaded to sign updated living wills. The hospital and physicians honored my mother's wishes, and she died at home, with those she loved around her.

For some, it seems cold and much too practical to discuss the issues that death raises and to make plans for them. But the reality is that such planning is an act of love.

If you have not made plans regarding your own demise, or if your plans are in need of revision, I can recommend two publications:

* What To Do When Your Spouse Dies, a booklet that discusses decisions to be made, legal and financial considerations, and making new plans after a spouse's death. Send a check for $5 to the Cash Item Department, Commerce Clearing House, Inc., 4025 W. Peterson Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60646, or call 1-800-248-3248. Ask for Item No. 4862.

* Spouse Survival List, a checklist of vital information needed by spouses of family-business owners. Send $5 to Spouse Survival List, Family Business Program, College of Business, Oregon State University, Corvallis, Ore. 97331-2603, or call (503) 754-3326.

My parents were courageous in facing up to my mother's death. Part of their courage lay in making clear what they wanted and taking action to secure it. In so doing, they made an unspeakably trying time somewhat easier for each other and most certainly easier for us children. For that, I thank them both.