The price of 'peace at any price.'

Nation's Business, Jan, 1997 by Bernard Kliska, Craig E. Aronoff

Jill, vice president of her family's business, comes to her father to discuss what she considers a growing problem with Bill, her brother-in-law, also a vice president. "Bill's always leaving early," she says. "Other employees are beginning to talk about it."

Her father, the company president, promises to check it out, but nothing is done. A few weeks later, Jill is back. "Bill really isn't carrying his part of the load," she says. "Resentment is growing."

Dad's response: "Bill's under a lot of pressure." Again nothing happens.

In frustration, Jill tries once again" "Dad, I've talked with Bill, but he says that I'm meddling with his job. The employees are really upset. One has quit. You're the only one he'll listen to."

This time Dad responds - but his message is to Jill. "Look, the last thing we need is a problem in the family. We can afford to cut Bill some slack. Lets give him and me and all of us some peace around here. Things will work themselves out."

Given the stress, strains, and complexities of family business, the desire for peace is understandable. But sometimes, and for some people, the desire to avoid conflict and hard decisions becomes the highest priority. Family members and leaders sometimes say, in effect, that they want "peace at any price." But their desire for peace, however well intended, can end up making things much worse.

Dealing with a person who seeks peace at any price can be very difficult. It may mean confronting someone who feels motivated by love and harmony. Unlike confronting an ornery family member - which requires only courage - dealing with the peace-at-any-price person also demands the ability to overcome feelings of guilt.

Two very different types of peace-at-any-price" people are found in family businesses. One type genuinely wishes to avoid any kind of unpleasantness or conflict. The other uses conflict avoidance as a way to achieve his or her own goals - using what psychologists call passive-aggressive behavior. Both types delay making needed decisions until circumstances become almost unbearable.

When you are faced with the first type, one approach is to deal with the individual directly. Explain clearly and strongly that by not taking a stand, he worsens the situation for everyone, including himself. Also try to put matters into a broader perspective, reviewing previous difficult, decisions and their outcomes. Help the individual to imagine the risks and conflicts that arise from both action and inaction and to think about how conflicts that are likely to arise can be resolved.

Other techniques involve changing the location of responsibility for the decision. You can sometimes offer to take responsibility for the decision yourself: "If you won't decide, then I will." Sometimes a task force of the board can be created to make a decision.

The passive-aggressive peace-at-any-price person presents even greater difficulty. When this type says he doesn't want any trouble, he really means he doesn't want to get caught making trouble.

Such people use methods so indirect that they are hard to spot, much less pin down. Their actions allow them deniability so that they can say, "Oh, no, you misunderstand what I said [or did]," or "That wasn't my intention," or "I was only trying to help."

Here are some techniques for working with insincere peace-at-any-price people:

Flatter Them

While the flattery may not be genuine, remember that you are dealing with insincerity. Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. Praise efforts to keep peace. Show understanding of how difficult it must be to be in their position. Tell them that if you were in the same spot, you'd be angry.

The subtle beauty of this approach is that passive-aggressive people really are angry, but deny it. By meeting them where they pretend to be, you often force them to move.

"What-if" Them

After acknowledging their desire to maintain peace and even praising their position, ask, "If you were not such a nice person, what would you do?" While your peace-at-any-price individual may demur, if you persist with this tactic you will likely bring his or her anger out in the open, where it can be dealt with directly.

Clarify The Situation

You need clarification, particularly if you are the target of the passive-aggressive person's anger. If you feel that you are being undermined by someone but you can't prove it, you may want to be very direct.

Don't accuse, but talk about your feelings. Don't say, "You're trying to force me out of the company, aren't you?" Instead, say, "I keep getting the feeling that you would rather not have me around."

Follow immediately with specific examples of what the person has said or done that has led to your feelings. Have several examples ready, because the passive-aggressive response is to deny and to make you feel you are wrong.

Peace is the greatest gift of all, but few families or businesses can remain successful if they attempt to avoid conflict by maintaining peace at any price.

The price of peace at any price can be deterioration of the business and of family relationships. Almost always, the price is far too high. We hope your family business can take the actions necessary to build a deeper, stronger, more meaningful peace.