A black sheep wants back in

Nation's Business, Feb, 1994

Buddy wants forgiveness from his dad and uncle but isn't sure it is worth the price he will have to pay.

He grew up in the family construction company along with his cousin Hugh. But while Hugh was a straight-A student and football hero in high school and is now the emerging general manager, Buddy has always seemed to get into trouble. First of all, it was poor grades, then alcohol, and later drugs.

Two years ago, when he was 25, Buddy was fired from the family business--it was the second time he had been caught going on a drug holiday. He went to a treatment center and received additional counseling.

Now he feels his life is getting back on track. He has held a job at a local print shop and has been biding his time until he can get back into the family firm.

His dad and uncle, however, have told him they are not sure they can trust him again. Both former U.S. Marine Corps officers, they have recommended that Buddy "test his mettle" by joining the Marines himself. Once he has served successfully, they say, they might allow him to come back into the company.

Buddy doesn't want to join the Marines, but he does want to prove to the older generation that he is trustworthy. He desperately wants to get rid of his blacksheep image. Most of all, he wants to prove that he is as good as Hugh. Even ff he becomes a Marine, there is no guarantee that the family-business door will open.

"Let me come back as a day laborer," he said. "I'll prove that I can work my way up." But his dad and uncle both say the Marine Corps is the only way back in.

Buddy has only a month to decide. How can he prove his trustworthiness to himself and his family without becoming a Marine?

Assess Real Career Desires

Buddy has discovered two disadvantages of growing up in a family-owned business:

First, everyone knows your entire life story, including all the problems you have ever had. This can be extremely difficult, if not impossible, to live down.

Second, it can sometimes be difficult for you to be perceived as an adult. For example, Buddy, who is 27 years old, is still known by his childhood nickname.

It may take a long time for Buddy to regain the trust of his father and uncle, and I'm not sure that either working for the family business or joining the Marines is the best way to regain that trust.

Buddy needs to assess why he wants to work for the family firm and what he really wants to do. I would question whether ne really likes construction.

Why has he been working for a print shop instead of another construction firm while he has been biding his time?

Has he pursued any specialized education or training in the construction field?

Does he want to work in the family business solely to prove he's as good as his cousin Hugh?

The answers to these questions may provide some guidance to Buddy. Going to work in the family firm for the wrong reasons might be damaging to both the business and Buddy. If Buddy needs help in addressing these issues, I would encourage him to seek professional counseling.

This may be a situation where a son is going to have to seek his own self-esteem and happiness--and the forgiveness and respect of his father and uncle--by making his way outside of the family business.

Adopt Long-Range Strategy

Buddy accepted responsibility for the consequences of his actions by seeking treatment for substance abuse.

Now he is just "biding his time," which puts him in a no-win situation.

Joining the Marines is risky for Buddy, In doing so, he is assured neither forgiveness nor a future in the family firm.

It will help Buddy to recognize that family-business successors often rely heavily on parents' assessment of theft strengths and weaknesses, even though most parents either overestimate or underestimate their children's abilities.

Buddy would do well to find a position and an industry in which he has an interest and to set specific goals for himself.

This does not mean he must give up hope for future employment in the family firm. Experience outside the family business will give him the time and distance needed to "test his mettle," build self-esteem, and prove his "trustworthiness" through his accomplishments, with feedback from others outside the family on his strengths and weaknesses.

In three to five years, Buddy can--if he wishes--renegotiate employment in the family firm. If he chooses to do so, he will then have new understandings of himself and his family, and the family will have had time to see Buddy with greater objectivity.

If employment with the family is still not an option, Buddy will not have spent those years proving something to family members. Instead, he will have created a career path to his liking.

If the family-business door is open, however, the family, the firm, and Buddy will benefit by moving beyond holding grudges that damage family relationships and the business as well.