We won't get fooled again

Sporting News, The, May 24, 2004 by Joe Buck

All right, so what do you want to throw here?"

"I don't know, you decide. You used to wear me out until I drilled you in the front of your helmet."

"Let's forget about that for now. Tonight we're teammates, and I don't want these innings to last any longer than they have to. By the way, those FOX guys put a camera in my mask, but I don't think there is a microphone attached. So let's just keep this conversation between us, O.K.?"

"I tried to call, you know. Oh, and that broken bat thing in the World Series--I don't know what happened, I just lost it for a second. Sorry about that."

"Let's just come at Ichiro with gas. Let's go."

The preceding is my stab at what the dialogue will be like July 13 in Houston before the first inning of the All-Star Game. The conversation will be between Roger Clemens (the starting pitcher) and Mike Piazza (the starting catcher), and it will follow at least two weeks of ridiculous hype by television sports Reeks (like me) and print journalists (like me, sort of). Think about it. These two guys hate each other and have more history between them than Siegfried and Roy. And they'll hook up in a battery made for talk radio.

We'll see repeat after repeat of Piazza getting hit right between the N and the Y on the front of his helmet and then more tape of the great jagged bat fling of October 2000. Bobby Valentine will be on a satellite feed from Japan weighing in with his thoughts. Max Kellerman will do a sit-down interview with the two combatants. Barbara Walters will watch, and she will weep.

There will be more buildup for this than for the series finale of Friends, and do you know what will happen? NOTHING. The two innings will come and go, and the two (if the pairing ever comes to pass) will do their jobs and downplay the whole thing afterward. No doubt, they will blame the media for making the thing a circus. And they will be right. Although I'll no doubt fan the flames when I get the chance.

In case you slipped away from the country since the 2003 World Series ended and you didn't know the Rocket was still burning in the big leagues, well, guess what? We all got fooled again. That's right. Remember the scene as Clemens walked off the field in the seventh inning of Game 4? The Marlins stood in front of their dugout applauding. Their fans, in a classy move, saluted one of the greatest pitchers of all time. Roger's wife and kids cried in the stands because that last pitch meant Daddy was finally coming home to "summer" in Texas.

Well, about 8 seconds after the ink dried on Andy Pettitte's contract with the Astros, ol' Rog was back in the game. I bought the act that night in Miami. Did you? Will you ever buy that act from an athlete again? I won't. I learned my lesson. Nobody can walk away on top. Almost without exception, these guys think they can do it one more time, until finally the body gives out and the home fans are booing and chanting someone else's name. The reality is that Clemens is throwing better now than he did during the past two seasons in New York. He is nasty, leaner and ready to try to bring the Astros their first World Series.

But come on. Don't you think he knew all along he was going to pitch again? For some reason, it kind of ticks me off. I know his family didn't disappear. I assume they have to be at least a little let down. There is no way you can convince me that Andy and Roger didn't talk about this scenario while running in the outfield between starts last season. It's the reason I say we come up with a name for this career move that, by the way, is not just perpetrated by professional athletes. I say we call it being "Minnellied"--as in Liza Minnelli. Hang it up, or don't! Don't have more than one "farewell tour." If you are forced out, or are taking a break but know you will return, just tell us. We'll still be here when you come back.

If you ever have to say, "All right, I am retiring after this season, and this time I mean it," your credibility already will have been lost.

Guilty: Michael Jordan, Barbra Streisand, Keith Jackson (still the best) and Gallagher.

Not guilty: Johnny Carson. He was the best ever, and he went out on top. It doesn't happen often.

Joe Buck is FOX Sports' lead play-by-play announcer for the NFL and MLB. You also can hear him as a guest on Sporting News Radio.