Today's specials at the Wisecracker Barrel include A-Rod, Shaq and the Whizzer

Sporting News, The, June 10, 2005 by Dave Kindred

I've heard this said: Dwyane Wade is Michael Jordan, only young.

Oh.

Shut.

Up.

* A-Rod says he has been in therapy.

So that's where the $252 million goes.

To "fat women wearing clunky jewelry," to quote my buddy Kornheiser.

* The NFL says half of 1 percent of its players use steroids. Meanwhile, a survey shows up to 5 percent of high school girls use steroids.

No report on how many of those girls do horse-collar tackles at prom time.

* I've figured out the nuances of "performance enhancement."

Eyeglasses are OK. Surgery is OK. The new MaxSight contact lenses that let you see better in sunlight are OK.

In short, anything that goes on the outside of your body is OK. Or if it's done by a tool, such as a scalpel, it's OK.

What's not OK is anything that goes inside your body. No pills, no fluids, no steaming potions.

I say it all started when Dr. Jekyll drank the stuff that turned him into Mr. Hyde.

* Mark McGwire's 2006 vanity plates should say: "IH8JOSE."

* From Michigan, an Opinionated E-Mail by Brian G. Walsh calls me out for leaving Pat Tillman off my list of Greatest Americans while including Muhammad Ali.

"Ali avoided the war draft by falsely claiming fighting was against his religion," Walsh says. "Tillman gave up a dream job paying millions of dollars to serve his country.... All he got was an early grave. Shame on you."

In 1971, four years after Ali's conviction for refusing the draft, the U.S. Supreme Court's decision reversing that conviction had its origins in a majority of the justices finding that Ali was a sincere conscientious objector. As for Tillman, hero that he was, it's too early to judge his impact on American life.

* My Wilt-vs.-Shaq column must have treated Shaq too kindly. Comes an Opinionated E-mail from Joseph Brennan declaring, "Shaq doesn't even make the top 10 all-time. Will excelled in an era of great centers. He's the Babe Ruth of basketball. The 10 greatest centers are:

"1. Wilt; 2. Kareem; 3. Bill Russell; 4. Nate Thurmond; 5. Moses Malone; 6. Zelmo Beaty; 7. Wes Unseld; 8. Artis Gilmore; 9. Hakeem Olajuwon; 10. Karl Malone.

"Runners-up: Walt Bellamy, Bill Walton, Willis Reed, Robert Parish, Patrick Ewing, David Robinson.

"So that puts Shaq at about No. 17. About right; maybe too high."

Opinionated Reply: Wrong. No worse than sixth.

* So Lost ends and we still don't know what the monster is. I don't think it's a monster at all. It's Rick Mahorn in retirement.

* I know too much, all because of Onterrio Smith. If he hadn't been caught with that "Original Whizzinator" thingy, I wouldn't know how the NFL collects urine samples for drug tests. The Whizzinator is a fake plastic penis (available in five colors) attached to a jockstrap that holds bags of dried urine supplied by Somebody Who Hasn't Smoked Dope Lately.

Innovative, creative and stealthy, but the Whizzinator could not help an NFL player. League protocol has athletes stand facing the unblinking drug man. Shirtless, they drop their pants. They hold the cup. Only then do they whiz-zinate.

* From New York, reader Peter O'Reilly e-mailed his commiserations on my continuing harassment by that Teri Hatcher woman who calls my house at all hours.

"I had the same problem with Teri until I filed the restraining order," O'Reilly writes. "Most of the guys must have thought it was a good idea, 'cause I kept hearing, 'Nice going, Einstein.'"

dkindred@sportingnews.com