Sean Deveney: 111 percent feelin' bubbly: it's championship season—I want to celebrate! In my shower! By myself! Hey, it's not what you think

There's a scene in Eight Men Out in which the 1919 White Sox receive a bonus from tightwad owner Charlie Comiskey: champagne. Flat champagne. Eighty-six years later, the South Siders hadn't learned much about proper celebration. When the Sox won the 2005 World Series, their champagne was Barefoot. This isn't Wine Spectator, but I know this: Barefoot goes for seven bucks and is delicate as battery acid. Little wonder every eye in the Sox locker room was pink and swollen as a rubber ball.

When the Spurs won the NBA title last year, coach Gregg Popovich didn't have much spirit for the choice of spirits. "My eyes are burning," he said. "It's pretty cheap stuff."

It often is. Championship season in the NBA and NHL meant another round of bubbly abuse. Title teams don't give much thought to choosing champagne. As one whose face takes plenty of champagne shrapnel, I wish they would.

I'm no champagne expert. But Charles Stanfield of Sam's Wines & Spirits in Chicago is. In fact, he's a knight--a chevalier--in France. I went to Stanfield with a question: If you won a championship, which champagne would you want sprayed on you? He led me first to a $715 bottle of 1992 Krug. "You'd have to pour it in thimbles," he said.

Championship champagne, we decided, should have four characteristics: low sting factor, cool-looking bottle, decent taste and reasonable price. (Most of it will, after all, be dumped out.) Stanfield led me to four offerings: Gloria Ferrer, Veuve de Vernay, Korbel and Cristalino. Each bottle was sufficiently cool and under $15.

All that was left was tasting the champagne, which would be easy. And spraying it all over my face and eyes, which would not. However, in the interest of locker room celebrations everywhere, I stood in my shower and systematically doused myself. My wife--yet again questioning the sanity of that "I do" vow--took notes.

The results, friends, are in.

Fourth place: Cristalino. After dumping it on my forehead, I announced to my wife, "It feels like liquid Ebola." Didn't taste bad, but the stuff doesn't react well to skin.

Third place: Veuve de Vernay. This is light, easy to drink and without aftertaste. Which is odd because, when poured on one's face, it stings like a thousand angry bees.

Second place: Korbel. There was an initial smack when the champagne hit my skin, but it faded very quickly. Taste is another issue. Yech. This is strictly a spraying champagne.

First place: Gloria Ferrer. The clear winner. It was easy on the eyes. It smelled funky but was pleasant on the face and forehead, like eating Pop Rocks. And though it was a little dry and sour, there was no aftertaste.

Thus, I hereby encourage future champions--for the sake of players, front office honchos and us media doofuses--to load up on the GF. So, congratulations, Gloria Ferrer. Feel free to celebrate by pouring yourself all over yourself.

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