Mr. Jockularity

Sporting News, The, July 15, 2005

Mr. Jockularity on ...

Not asking--and sure as hell not telling

You know those athletes who claim to have had sex with thousands of women? I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that somewhere along the line their teammates began to sense they were sharing a locker room with one of the horniest SOBs on the planet. In all sports, a guy doesn't ask another guy about women (more specifically, other women), drugs, rock 'n' roll, etc., unless he wants in on the party. And he isn't going to spill the beans until he washes out of the game and a book deal comes along; otherwise, he risks his career, his friends, his health ... everything but the last shred of his dignity, not that dignity has a place in this discussion.

Spitting, scratching and (sniff) crying

"There's no crying in baseball!" is only a little less bogus than such notions as the waifish Geena Davis withstanding the rigors of catching, Madonna riding a team bus and Rosie O'Donnell, well, running. There is crying in baseball, a realm of perpetual boyhood where everyday standards clearly don't apply--or else a batter wouldn't be able to dribble tobacco juice down his chin while rearranging his private parts without somebody noticing, let alone expressing dismay. Were Wade Boggs (devastating World Series loss) and Mike Schmidt (retirement) out of order for blubbering? Of course not--the boy inside was dying, and it hurt like hell.

Butt slaps and other forms of manly touching

When expressing their feelings through physical contact, ballplayers adhere to a basic primal code: Rough stuff-bear hugs, forearm bashes, slaps to the helmet after walk-off home runs, hard open hands to the pants seat--is A-OK. Gentle cupping of the cheek (any cheek), braiding a teammate's hair between games of a doubleheader, goodbye kisses after a long trip are all dangerous no-nos given the old-fashioned sensibility that reigns in this sport. Oddly enough, it's within bounds to tell a teammate, "1 love you;' but only after a game-winning play and, preferably, with a form of address such as "man," "dude" or "bro" at the end.