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What is this world coming to?

Sporting News, The, July 21, 2006 by Dave Kindred

Except that he was right about the steroids thing, it'd be easy to say Jose Canseco has taken one too many fly balls off his brain case. How else do we explain his calling Major League Baseball "the mafia"? Dunno about you, but I have a hard time seeing Bud Selig as Tony Soprano.

Now that Spanish authorities have pointed fingers of shame at Tour de France stars, it's pretty clear that the last person to ride a bicycle in France without getting doped up was Inspector Jacques Clouseau.

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When a fellow would rather go to jail than tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, he's hiding something. But what? In the case of Greg Anderson, we don't need to be thought-readers to figure it out. Anderson, the lug who was Barry Bonds' personal trainer, already has done jail time for messing with drugs that make people big. Now a grand jury is chewing on the idea that Bonds lied under oath about his steroids thing and wants to know what Anderson knows. Rather than rat out the man whose money paid his light bill, Anderson opted for the gray-bar rest home until the grand jury is disbanded. Honor among thieves and all that.

With his new book, T.O., Terrell Owens has built an insurmountable lead over Winston Churchill in autobiographies, 2-1.

The grand old man Buck O'Neil was done dirty when Cooperstown shut the door in his face. Yet he agreed to speak at this month's Hall of Fame induction ceremony honoring 17 representatives of Negro leagues baseball, of whom maybe two or three were as deserving of the honor as Buck Himself. My Pal Callahan snarls, "That's like asking a guy who didn't win the Oscar to make an acceptance speech for the guy who did." Nor should Cooperstown get any credit for inviting O'Neil. MPC says. "It's like, 'Come help us, Buck. But come through the kitchen.'"

We pray for ESPN baseball analyst Peter Gammons' recovery from neurosurgery. And I'm reminded of one of my favorite Gammons moments. This was in his glory days as creator of the baseball notes column in the Boston Globe, when the Gammons vacuum cleaner sucked up diamond notes hidden under Don Zimmer's jowls. My hero, Red Smith, fell into a spat with Boston sportswriter Clif Keane. Fed up, Red told Keane, "Clif, you've been writing great stuff this week under the byline Peter Gammons." Only later did Keane realize he'd been sliced at the jugular.

The Onion, a periodical and a website, makes up stuff. In the right light, its satire could pass for Real News, particularly in Chicago ...

"Mark Prior, the righthanded pitcher who has spent the first few years of his career on the disabled list, is now considering accepting a recent two-year, $8 million offer from the D.L. that would keep him not playing through the 2008 season. 'I couldn't even imagine the D.L. without Mark Prior--over the years, he has become the face, stiff right elbow, strained subscapularis muscle and inflamed Achilles' tendon of our organization,' said Kirk Gibson, manager and longtime former member of the D.L. ... 'We firmly believe Mark's best injuries are still ahead of him.'"

I turned on the teevee.

There, on a bulletin board, was a bracket charting the NFL playoffs.

Talking heads were telling me why the Patriots would beat the Steelers.

Momentarily, I was disoriented.

What month is this, I wondered, December, January?

It was 95 degrees. It couldn't be winter.

I gave the videots another 30 seconds and then realized:

IT'S JULY AND THEY'RE HANDICAPPING, GAME BY FREAKIN' GAME, THE '07 NFL PLAYOFFS!!!!

It made my head hurt, and other organs, too.

A lawsuit filed against Eddie Griffin claims that at about 2:30 one morning the Timberwolves center was driving and watching a porn flick on a TV embedded in his Escalade's dashboard and masturbating when he crashed into a parked Suburban. Griffin said the wreck happened because his cell phone fell off his lap. I know this is the 21st century and technology is amazing. Still, of all the things cell phones can do, I didn't know they could do that.

Dave Kindred

dkindred@sportingnews.com

What is this world coming to?

Sporting News, The, July 21, 2006 by Dave Kindred

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