Papal Decrees

Sporting News, The, August 28, 2000 by Mike Kilduff

Underwood: "Don't get too down on yourself, Chad."

Spellman: "Yeah, and try to keep control of your emotions, Chad."

Lett: "Chad, buddy, it's beginning to look like you have a problem with abusing dru ... dru ... dropback quarterbacks."

WEEK 11: Raiders rookie kicker Sebastian Janikowski converts his seventh field goal of the game-an NFL-record 70-yarder--with two seconds left that lifts visiting Oakland to a one-point win over the Broncos on Monday Night Football. That prompts Dennis Miller to exclaim: "Wow! That had more leg on it than the bar in Coyote Ugly."

WEEK 12: No time to shave off three weeks of untended facial hair, Jason Sehorn is rushed back into the Giants' lineup after a sabbatical to take part in the CBS reality-based TV event Survivor III. The cornerback is looking thin, feeling hungry and smelling like the bottom of a seafood restaurant dumpster in late July. The Lions' receivers are dizzy from the stench, and Sehorn returns his third interception of the afternoon for a game-winning touchdown.

WEEK 13: Continuing their rebound from an 0-9 start, the Bengals defeat the Steelers for their third straight victory-and first in spiffy new Paul Brown Stadium. Cincinnati fans celebrate by tearing down the goal posts, and Bengals management rewards coach Bruce Coslet with a contract extension for two more seasons.

WEEK 14: Several teams straggle to operate their so-called West Coast offenses after a Federal judge shuts down Bill Walsh's Napster-like website, where teams went to download the latest and hottest offensive plays and formations from the Confucius of the intermediate passing game.

WEEK 15: Four touchdowns and 223 rushing yards in a victory at San Francisco are not enough for Saints running back Ricky Williams. After his biggest day in the NFL, Williams makes a brief stop on the way home in Las Vegas, where he meets and quickly weds Darva Conger.

The impulsive nuptial lasts only until Conger gets a look at the disastrous contract Williams' ex-agent negotiated for the former Heisman Trophy winner before his rookie season. As grounds for the divorce, Conger claims: "I got stuck with the only NFL rookie who isn't a millionaire."

WEEK 16: The starless, struggling Dolphins attempt to bolster home attendance by honoring the Jimmy Johnson em in Miami's pro football history. Children attending the game receive commemoratives such as the Zach Thomas wind-and-go, the Tony Martin laundry bag and the limited-edition Lawrence Phillips Beanie Baby. A retired Dan Marino joins the ex-coach on the field for the ceremonial coin toss, but Johnson insists that the future Hall of Fame quarterback just hand it off.

WEEK 17: Coach Wade Phillips of the 15-0 AFC East champion Bills announces that Rob Johnson will replace healthy starter Doug Flutie at quarterback. The Bills then lose their final regular-season game and first-round playoff game.

AFC PLAYOFFS: Another brilliant regular season is wasted yet again by the Jaguars with a loss to the Chargers and NFL Man of the Year Ryan Leaf in the conference semifinals.