It could happen

Sporting News, The, Sept 3, 2001 by Mike Kilduff

Here's your blueprint for the 2001 season--and if it doesn't unfold like this, well, then Tony Siragusa's name is not T.Sir

Don't call him Tony. Don't call him Goose. And don't use either his full name or Siragusa anymore, because he's not responding to any of the things we're accustomed to calling the Ravens' defensive lineman with his own gravitational pull.

He's too big for that.

He realized this during a trip to London, and the cameras of HBO were there to catch the Baltimore blob's epiphany during a mid-afternoon dine on the Thames.

"Everywhere in this town, they keep saying to me, `Tea, sir? Tea, sir?' and I have no clue," explains this ZIP code with legs. "That's when it hit me. I am an international star. I'm every bit as popular as Jennifer Lopez. And what do they call her now?"

J.Lo.

"From now on, just call me T. Sir," says the mountain with a passport.

That's what he wants over his locker and on the back of his jersey: T. Sir. When word of this reaches the team's headquarters, coach Brian Billick shrugs his shoulders and says, "If he wants to be like J.Lo, then it's fine by me as long as I don't have to look at him wearing that dress she was barely wearing at the Grammys."

Nothing can faze these Ravens. During the last 18 months, this franchise has dealt with its best player in court on double murder charges, a stretch of five games without a touchdown, a Super Bowl championship and the all-access presence of HBO cameras and the uncensored broadcast of the team's training camp.

America might love reality-based television, but there is no drama that can match the stranger-than-fiction happenings of a typical NFL season, and for the 2001 season it all begins with ...

Week 1: While admitting to a fondness for those one-piece jump suits that astronauts wear, Raiders owner A1 Davis launches the new season by filing suit against the NFL because the league sabotaged his plans to move the team to a new stadium at the International Space Station, which won a bidding war when the Mir Space Station refused to make upgrades in its infrastructure.

Week 2: Rookie Fox Sports NFL analyst Troy Aikman is struck in the head by an errant sound boom, forcing the network to hold the former Cowboys quarterback out of this week's broadcast for precautionary reasons.

Week 3: The Eagles visit Seattle, where Philadelphia coach Andy Reid and Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren secretly swap places for the first half. The switch goes undetected until CBS newsman Dan Rather tunes in and then goes on the air immediately with this report: "While the two coaches look similar, right now Reid has a belly that is shakier than cafeteria Jell-O."

Week 4: Henpecked New York cornerback Jason Sehorn misses the first half of a game against the Saints when he refuses to dress for the Giants' game in East Rutherford, N.J., because their home blue-top uniforms are not what Angie put out for him to wear that day. Finally able to reach his wife on the set of her new movie, Sehorn gets permission to wear whatever he wants in the second half as well as to go out with the guys after the game--as long as he calls Angie first to tell her where they are going.

Week 5: Coach Bill Belichick, who in August suspended Terry Glenn for the season, must endure another anemic offensive showing by his Patriots, who have yet to score in five games. Belichick continues to insist there is no animosity between him and the talented-but-troubled wide receiver, even though the nameplate on the coach's office door has been replaced with the words: She Hate Me.

Week 6: A promotional giveaway turns ugly and dangerous in Cincinnati, where during a blowout loss to Cleveland--the Browns!--the fans bite the heads off their Bengals bobble head dolls and pelt the team's pathetic trio of quarterbacks and their teammates with the chewed-off parts.

Week 7: Upset at his team's poor conditioning and dispirited play, Lions president Matt Millen fires coach Marty Mornhinweg and hires no-nonsense former attorney general Janet Reno, who storms the gates of the Silverdome in a pre-dawn raid with tanks and a SWAT team and uses tear gas to restore order to the lineup.

Week 8: The season is half over and already Bills starting quarterback Rob Johnson has been sidelined by the hiccups, a paper cut and a severe case of cotton mouth. Buffalo coach Gregg Williams, who is unhappy with the backups' performance running the team's new West Coast offense, signs resilient spokes-doll Buddy Lee to start at quarterback against the Chargers. In his first game, Lee is sacked six times but emerges unhurt and manages to direct the Bills to a victory. After the game, Williams says, "Buddy ain't that tall, but the guys sure like playing for him and you can't argue with his record as a starter."

Week 9: In honor of the one-year anniversary of the botched presidential election, Florida secretary of state Katherine Harris and the Bush twins conduct the coin toss before the Dolphins-Panthers game at Pro Player Stadium. Jenna Bush refuses to toss the ceremonial coin, however, until somebody puts out a wooden table and a beer glass for her to bounce the coin into. Harris seizes the coin from Jenna, grabs the microphone from the referee and announces, "I can certify that it was going to be heads and therefore the Dolphins have won the Super Bowl."