A season on the brink: flyin' octopi. Monkey rolls on hot coals. Who says the NFL is no fun? Seventeen weeks of nuttiness, and it starts now

Sporting News, The, Sept 13, 2004 by Mike Kilduff

Week 1: In an attempt to counteract negative publicity--plus, bad vibes among players--associated with appearing on the cover of his video game John Madden announces plans to appear in as well be on the cover of, the next Internet-distributed Paris Hilton video production.

Week 2: A copy of the Packers' playbook mysteriously lands in the hotel of the visiting Bears, but by kickoff, a frustrated Chicago coaching staff is unable to decipher what it calls the "Da Vincey Code" of Green Bay's most sacred football figure, Saint Lombardi.

Week 3: After struggling on offense for the first two games, coach Joe Gibbs fires his offensive "crew chief" after discovering the Redskins' backs and receivers were instructed to "run really fast and turn left."

Week 4: In order to accommodate the schedule of legally challenged running back Jamal Lewis, the Ravens announce their remaining games will be held in "the judge's chambers."

Week 5: It's opening weekend for Michael Moore's anti-Tagliabue crock-umentary produced by Al Davis. The title--FahrenHeidi 4332--reflects the final score of both the notorious unseen game and the temperature when a white polyester sweatsuit spontaneously combusts.

Week 6: For a rematch of last season's championship game, when Carolina defensive backs teased, taunted and bullied Philadelphia receivers, then bragged about it, the Eagles announce the signing of free-agent slot receiver Todd Bertuzzi.

Week 7: Maurice Clarett is suing the NFL because, according to documents filed with the U.S. Supreme Court, "At the very least, I would have been AFC Rookie of the Week by now."

Week 8: An election-eve maneuver to boost his approval rating? Perhaps, but partisan accusations don't prevent President George W. Bush from sending U.S. troops into East Rutherford, N.J. The commander in chief cites the pleas of players complaining about a tyrannical leader, coach Tom Coughlin, who has hidden his reputation as a WMD--well-meaning disciplinarian.

Week 9: Ricky "Cheech" Williams reappears in the renegade CFL--no, not that one, the Caribbean Football League--playing under the name Spilda Bongwatta for the Jamaica BoLaCereals.

Week 10: With the pro football team in "Hockey Town" struggling--again!--the Lions offer a promotion to attract idle NHL fans, management and players: reduced ticket prices with proof of NHL ownership or without front teeth; Zamboni racing at halftime; fresh ice in soft drinks between quarters, and, instead of dropping yellow flags, the game officials will signal infractions by throwing octopi.

Week 11: A fondue incident in 2002. A punter chopped down by an ax-cident involving a locker room motivational prop last season. Management brings the ax down on Jacksonville coach Jack Del Rio because of unusual practice methods, including sprints with scissors, a dirty-needle tip drill and monkey rolls on hot coals,

Week 12: The kickoff of the Eagles-Giants game in New Jersey is delayed due to the late return of Philadelphia's Terrell Owens and New York's Jeremy Shockey from a civil ceremony in nearby Massachusetts.

Week 13: No Ricky Williams, no David Boston and nowhere to go but up for the Dolphins as the depth chart at quarterback lists William Hung as third string behind Jay Fiedler and A.J. Feeley.

Week 14: Production begins for NFL Rims and Mel Gibson on the controversial saga of last year's season-ending moment for Green Bay's almighty figure, entitled: The Passin' of the Favre.

Week 15: In a bold move to improve ratings, producers add some sizzle to Edge NFL Matchup by replacing Ron Jaworski with Joe Namath at the host desk alongside Suzy Kolber.

Week 16: California voters approve funding for an NFL stadium in Los Angeles. Live on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, Arnold Schwarzenegger announces his intention to run for head coach of an expansion franchise in L.A. because he is not a "girlie man."

Week 17: The ceremonial pregame coin toss at FedEx Field is performed by incoming White House chief of staff Mike Ditka.

Super Bowl: The only X's in the broadcast are Roman numerals, especially during the halftime show, when reality star Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth of the first season of The Apprentice and Martha Stewart of Building 2, Level A, Cell 34 (via satellite) perform a medley of uplifting songs. The Vikings and the Bills agree to remain tied at 24---that way, neither team loses.