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Back into the bizarro world of sports

Sporting News, The, Sept 13, 2004 by Jason Alexander

On September 20, I again will be presented as a maven, an insider and a general go-to guy in an arena for which I am not only ill-suited, I actually have no suit and can't find the arena. I'm speaking of the world of professional sports.

As George Costanza in Seinfeld, I spent several seasons working as the assistant to the traveling secretary for the New York Yankees. Almost weekly, I strolled into George Steinbrenner's office. I instructed Bernie Williams and Derek Jeter in batting practice. I advised in trades. I was a member of the organization.

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Now, I am about to portray Tony Kleinman on the new CBS series Listen Up. Tony is a sports columnist and commentator on a daily sports talk program. The character is based on real-life columnist Tony Kornheiser, who writes sports for the Washington Post and talks sports for his ESPN show Pardon the Interruption.

People always assume I must be a sports guy. People probably assume all guys are sports guys. However, I am a Broadway musicals/chick flicks/ Barry Manilow kind of guy. I even know Liza Minnelli personally. If I weren't a devout heterosexual, married 22 years, believe me, the rumors would be a-flyin'. Rumors aside, I am not a sports guy--much to the chagrin of many in my family.

My uncle, Jack Simon, was the director of Mets, Knicks and Rangers games during the late 1950s, '60s and '70s. I attended many of those games with my three cousins, two of whom became professional sports broadcasters. They turned our early years in the bleachers into careers because they cared about the games. I, too, have somehow turned those years into a career. The difference is, I don't give a rat's ...

Don't get me wrong, I love a good game. I will happily go to a stadium or arena, drink my beer and watch for my mug on the Jumbotron. I even get a kick out of my 8-year-old son's soccer games. (Heck, I love a good comedy.) But watch a game on TV? Read the sports page? Review stats? What are you people, nuts? I can't do it. You can issue a recall on my genitals, call me a traitor to the gender, but frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn. (Gone With the Wind--chick flick.)

The irony is that they keep having me portray guys who love this stuff, who have a deep knowledge of the games. And you folks watch me do it, buy into it and come running up to me on the streets looking for my best bets for Stanley Cup and Super Bowl winners. Kids, the only place I know the difference between a cup and a bowl is in a kosher dell. But when I try to explain this to fans, it's like I'm clubbing a baby seal. The smiles on their faces fade, the light in their eyes flickers and dies. It's heartbreak city everywhere I roam.

Later this month, it starts again. You'll see me shouting about Michael Vick and soccer scores. You'll hear stats and strategies, conjecture and derision. And you'll think, "Hey, that Alexander guy really knows his stuff" Know what I know? My lines! Somebody is putting those pearls in my mouth. Hopefully somebody who knows what they're talking about. I can't tell. If it feels authentic, call the Academy and tell them there's an Emmy-worthy performance going on, 'cause I promise you--I'm just ackin'.

I yell and scream. People call me fat and bald. I act like a big schmuck. It's all the stuff you've come to know and hopefully love me for. We'll have a good time together. But please, I'm begging you--remember, it's a role. Otherwise, if it starts with "s" and ends with "s" and rhymes with shorts, just leave me out of it. Thank you.

All that said, I'd still take the Yankees in five games in the World Series.

Jason Alexander's sitcom Listen Up debuts September 20 at 8:30 p.m. ET on CBS.

Back into the bizarro world of sports

Sporting News, The, Sept 13, 2004 by Jason Alexander

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