Hop on your bike for a ride through absurdity: another cutting edge opinion sale, five for the price of one: get your guillotines, knives and EPO here

In Lexington, Ky., radio station WKQQ is stripping clothes off of a giant billboard poster of its most glamorous on-air host. She's a blonde named Kitten. One piece of clothing comes off every time the University of Kentucky football team wins a game. My questions are ...

1. What does Kitten's daddy think?

2. Have we lost all sense of decency?

3. Does every man every minute think about sex?

4. Hmmm, tell me, exactly how many games does Kentucky have to win to make this worthwhile?

5. Can we put in a request for Ashley Judd during the basketball season?

The best things about football are ...

1. It's not hockey.

2. Randy Moss, on a corner route.

3. Ray Lewis, everywhere at once.

4. The NCAA-BCS comedy of hypocrisy.

5. George Will's line: "Football incorporates the two worst elements of American society: violence punctuated by committee meetings."

Rams executive and press critic Samir Suleiman left a voice message for St. Louis Post-Dispatch columnist Bernie Miklasz. In part, Suleiman advised Miklasz to "tell your source that I'm not a backstabber I'm a (expletive) throat slasher, and he'll know the difference before it's all said and done." The Rams say they'll "reprimand" Suleiman. I guess that means he will ...

1. Be grounded for two weeks.

2. Apologize and ask forgiveness.

3. Turn in his Swiss Army knife, now.

4. Cancel his Post-Dispatch subscription.

5. Take Bernie off speed dial.

Now that Lance Armstrong has definitely, absolutely, positively, maybe decided to retire for good, the next time he gets on his bike it will be to ...

1. Run his paper route.

2. Run over Dick Pound.

3. Discuss EPO with Dubya.

4. Throw eggs at the Eiffel Tower.

5. Carry Sheryl to the altar.

If I'm a citizen breaking the law, the last thing I want to see is ...

1. A police car, its blue lights turning.

2. A National Guardsman carrying an M-16.

3. Mirrored sunglasses on a Southern sheriff who's asking, "That's not lootin' you're doin' there, is it, son?"

4. An FBI, ATE DEA posse.

5. Shaq with a badge.

The most important decision being made in Washington these days is ...

1. How high on gas prices?

2. Which bozo gets to be FEMA's new boss.

3. John Roberts' fitness to lead the Supreme Court.

4. The number of furrows in the president's brow when talking about Katrina.

5. Mark Brunell over Patrick Ramsey.

Personally, I think the Chase for the NASCAR Nextel Cup ought to be open to more than just the top 10 drivers in the points standings. It would be much more exciting if it included ...

1. The Transporter and his flying Audi.

2. Batman and the Batmobile.

3. LeBron in a Hummer.

4. Any New York taxi.

5. Lance on his bike.

When Mark McGwire appears in St. Louis for a season-ending celebration of Busch Stadium history, fans might ...

1. Ask him to take batting practice one more time.

2. Cheer him as the Cardinals' greatest home run hitter ever.

3. Wear their old 25 jerseys in a show of muscular solidarity.

4. Chant, "Not here to talk about the past.... Not here to...."

5. Rattle their androstenedione pills.

Brett Backwell, an Australian rules football player, announced he would have his left ring finger amputated so he could play without pain. Ken Griffey Jr. has a hamstring attached to bone by three titanium screws. Other notable surgical procedures in SportsWorld include ...

1. Tommy John's tendon transplant.

2. Alonzo Mourning's kidney removal.

3. Ronnie Lott's pinkie, shortened.

4. Jim Lotto's 40 surgeries, including operations to implant eight artificial knees and two artificial shoulders.

5. Pamela Anderson.

When an artist named Daniel Edwards learned Ted Williams had been decapitated and his body frozen, he created a sculpture of the great man's head. He never met Williams but says, "I'm a huge Ted Williams fan. The first bat I got was a Ted Williams model." Edwards did the piece from photographs of Williams in his last years and calls it "a little shrine to his head."

The artist is selling the head for $15,000. Before I would pay him $15,000, I would ...

1. Burn 15,000 dollar bills.

2. Pour barbecue sauce over the pile of bills and feed it to my dogs.

3. Wake a man sleeping on a grate and say, "Need some cash?"

4. Donate $15,000 to the next Michael Jackson defense fund.

5. Place the sculptor under a guillotine.

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