Let the games begin

Once the fine-print details on the NBA's new collective bargaining agreement are worked out, here's a Plaschke Primer on what the season will look like

February 5: After a three-month delay, the NBA season opens across America with 14 games of shirts vs. skins.

As part of a leaguewide promotion to regain public trust after the lengthy labor dispute, fans in Cleveland are given a chance to correctly guess each player's weight.

The promotion lasts only 10 minutes, ending abruptly when a Cleveland landscaper guesses that Shawn Kemp weighed 350 pounds, and the former All-Star sits on him. The repairman is simultaneously rushed to a hospital and awarded first prize.

February 6: A celebration sweeps through the city of Chicago amid reports Michael Jordan will return to the Bulls in an attempt to win his seventh NBA championship. This is even though their coach is Tim Floyd and their best player is an obscure former Iowa State star named Floyd Tim.

The reason for the sudden optimism is based on the broadcast of a radio interview with Jordan in which the star is heard chanting, "Seven! Seven! Seven!"

February 7: The city of big shoulders slumps in despair when an investigation reveals the radio interview with Jordan was conducted on a southern Illinois river boat, and that Jordan was shouting at his dice.

February 8: A team of blue-shirted Houston Rockets celebrate their belated home opener with a 55-52 victory over a team of skins from Toronto. As another part of the leaguewide promotion to regain public trust, at halftime Charles Barkley throws David Falk through a glass window.

February 9: The Golden State Warriors end a year of speculation by agreeing to trade Latrell Sprewell to the Knicks with the following condition: Within five minutes of his first appearance in the Knicks locker room, Sprewell will choke the living hell out of Patrick Ewing.

February 10: A team of black-shirted Portland Trail Blazers is defeated, 45-40, by a team of skins from Milwaukee. The skins win the game when their center, sporting a bad case of back acne, goes unguarded in the final period, allowing him to score 20 points. As yet another part of that leaguewide promotion to put people in the seats, at halftime Isiah Rider beats David Falk about the head and neck with a stolen cell phone.

February 11: Those skeptics who said the NBA has gone to the dogs are proved literally correct when a game between the red-shirted Washington Wizards and a team of skins from Miami is canceled because of a lack of players. Both teams are given a pregame rip that the league was going to begin enforcing a clause in the new labor agreement that prohibits marijuana. By tipoff, the only athletes in either locker room are drug-sniffing hounds.

"Hmm," says Clippers owner Donald Sterling, watching the unprecedented events on TV. "Maybe I can hire one of them as my new coach."

February 12: Informed that even police mutts won't work for dog food, Sterling announces the Clippers will play this season without a coach. "These players are mature adults, they can handle themselves," he says.

February 13: The Clippers lose by one point in the final seconds of overtime to a team of Dallas skins when they are assessed a technical foul for having 12 men on the court.

February 14: The city of Sacramento wildly celebrates with the report Michael Jordan intends to come out of retirement and join their NBA team. Fans are buzzing over a radio interview in which Jordan is heard shouting, "Kings! Kings! Kings!"

February 15: Sacramento sadly discovers the radio interview was conducted in Lake Tahoe and that Jordan was playing blackjack.

February 16: In still another attempt to placate fans, the NBA begins handing out a free new video rifled, Abominable Snowmen. It features video clips of NBA players giving nationally televised interviews on the cold streets of New York after the approval of their new labor contract.

The fun flick begins with the image of Patrick Ewing wearing a leather hood and concludes with the dramatic footage of Dikembe Mutombo sporting that time-tested combination of expensive suit and a ski cap.

February 16: The NBA players union makes a surprise addition to the labor contract, insisting that the list of banned substances be expanded to include Billy Hunter.

February 17: Before a game between the host Milwaukee Bucks and some skins from Detroit, NBA commissioner David Stern is spotted at courtside by some well-oiled fans.

"Hey," one of them shouts, "aren't you Bud Selig?"

At which point Selig, also in the stands, rushes over and identifies himself in an attempt to save his reputation.

February 18: During the heavily promoted halftime show of the NBA All-Star Game--eventually won, 4340, by the skins--Shaquille O'Neal slaps David Falk, then Dennis Rodman forces him to marry Carmen Electra.

February 18--June 20: A bunch of really bad basketball games.

Bill Plaschke, a columnist for the Los Angeles Times, writes a monthly column for THE SPORTING NEWS. For more, go to www.latimes.com/home/sports/plaschke.

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