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O.J.? Gotta stand for obscene judgment

Sporting News, The, Oct 21, 2005 by Dave Kindred

Cover the children's ears and make sure the lady folks are out of the room 'cause today we're going to hear about SportsWorld's obscenities, profanities and other gosh-darned expletives. Nothing new. Eighty years ago, baseball umpire Arlie Latham said New York Giants manager John McGraw "eats gunpowder every morning and washes it down with warm blood." After which a reporter said that McGraw spewed curses so acidic they "would burn holes in nickel 12 inches thick."

The strictures of early 20th century journalism allowed no definitive reporting of McGraw's language. But one imagines it to have been a darker shade of Chaucer's Middle English poetry, spiced by oaths beginning with the early letters of the alphabet, perhaps even a letter that fell between "e" and "g."

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Locker rooms are good for that kind of talk, as Gordie Howe once made clear. "All pro athletes are bilingual," the great old hockey star said. "They speak English and profanity." Some coaches set rules on language. "The good Lord allows just so much profanity on a team," Lou Holtz said in his time at Arkansas, "and I use up the entire quota."

Michael Jordan, in 1984, noted a difference between his college coach and Bob Knight, his Olympic coach. "My coach, Dean Smith, and Coach Knight are about the same," he said, "except for language." Smith insisted on never using profanity, lest he offend his mother. Knight felt no such restraint. On the first seven pages of John Feinstein's 1986 book A Season on the Brink, Knight used a barnyard epithet, blasphemy and familial slur. A master of historic imprecation, Knight also invoked a word from Chaucer's poetry 16 times in various forms of verb, noun and adjective.

Didn't bother me. Some things are truly obscene, and in a minute we'll get to one of SportsWorld's true obscenities. But first let's consider a couple of Knight's famous partners in profanity. There is Bono. Early in 2003, on live television, the lead singer for the Irish rock group U2 accepted a Golden Globe award and called the honor "really, really (adjective) brilliant."

Well, all heck broke loose. Politicians fulminated in their defense of children, lady folk and tender souls easily bruised. I was reminded of George Carlin's famous bit in 1973 in which he declared there are seven words you cannot say on television. "Those are the ones," the comic said, "that will infect your soul, curve your spine and keep the country from winning the war." One word had 10 letters, one had 12, and the others had four, though only one began with a letter between "e" and "g."

Still, after Bono came the vice president of the United States. One day last summer, the U.S. Senate gathered for official photographs. Dick Cheney found himself near Patrick Leahy, a constant critic. The veep suggested that the Vermont senator perform what Woody Allen called an impossible act, even for those with mechanical engineering degrees: "Go (verb) yourself."

Anyway, I'll be danged if I haven't heard all seven Carlin words on the air lately, one even announced by Knight's erstwhile nemesis and my friend, Feinstein. In his role as a color commentator on Naval Academy football radio broadcasts a couple of weeks ago, Feinstein took exception to an official's judgment. On the air, live, with no six-second delay, Feinstein did a Knight/Bono/Cheney: "(Adjective) referees!"

At which point, Feinstein told me later, he looked around the broadcast booth like, "Who said that?" Then he realized he did. He left the broadcast and offered to resign. At game's end, he apologized on-air. Navy refused his resignation, citing his immediate remorse and notes of support from listeners. There was self-flagellation. "I have to clean up my everyday language," Feinstein says. But the most effective scolding came from his daughter, 8 years old. She said, "Daddy, how many times have I told you not to use words like that?"

None of this is classy, not from a rock star, a vice president or a best-selling author.

But it's not obscene in the sense of being repulsive.

Here is obscenity.

On the 10th anniversary of his acquittal on charges of slicing his wife and a young man to death--and eight years after a civil jury found him responsible for the murders--O.J. Simpson returned to Los Angeles.

He returned to sign autographs at a horror comics/collectibles event called NecroComicon (necro = death, comic = hah-hah).

For $95, he signed photos.

For $125, he signed footballs, jerseys and helmets.

For another $20, he added inscriptions listed on a chart by letters from "A" to "N," from "1967 All-American" to "1973 Pro Bowl MVP."

The letter I'd want, "F," was for "Heisman Trophy Winner."

But I believe I could find a better use for "F."

dkindred@sportingnews.com

O.J.? Gotta stand for obscene judgment

Sporting News, The, Oct 21, 2005 by Dave Kindred

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