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The NHL: an arrested development

Sporting News, The, Oct 25, 2004 by Will Arnett

When I was a crummy teenager, I used to sit in my parents' backyard with my friends and drink beers and fire frozen tennis balls at my little brother. We would gear him up in net, and my buddies and I would have breakaway competitions to see who could score more goals. We were 18 or 19, and he was 10. Poor Chuck got hammered. You get those tennis balls soaking wet and you freeze them, and that hurts. He was really good about it, though ... well, he had to be. He had no choice.

I am a huge hockey fail. I was born and raised in Toronto, so I came by it pretty naturally. If you want to have any kind of life, then you have to like hockey. I am the worst kind of Maple Leafs fan. My life revolves around the Leafs--which doesn't say a lot about my life, considering they haven't won a Stanley Cup in my lifetime.

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Hockey is in a really tough spot right now. There are so many problems. Obviously, the league expanded way too much, too quickly. You've got two teams in the hockey "hotbed" of Florida, but you've whittled it down to six teams in Canada. That's just wrong.

We all know from watching the 2002 Olympics that the highest level of hockey can be really exciting, but a lot of that has to do with the bigger rinks they use. I know the NHL has built all these new rinks and can't spend all this money to reconfigure them to Olympic size. But that would make the product a lot better. These guys are big, strong and fast. It's crowded out there. There's no room for the skill players. The Paul Kariyas, who shine in an Olympic or international venue, are completely hindered in the NHL.

Both sides are to blame for the lockout. The players don't want a salary cap, and the owners are crying poverty. I don't know who is to blame for midlevel players being paid $3 million or $4 million a year, but it's not like the players are paying themselves. They're just being paid what the owners said the market supported.

If I were the commissioner, I would use the NFL as an example. I'd say, "Look, this is the best-run league out there. Look at what they've done with revenue sharing." You know, Green Bay can support a team. It can be done. The level of competition is incredible, and the game has never been better. Why can't the other leagues look at that? And I'd contract some teams so the NHL gets back down to 20 or 21 teams.

I'd also make it so everybody had to be a Leafs fan. Aren't we all really Leafs fans at heart? Come on. And I'd propose Mats Sundin run for prime minister.

NHL players are the most modest, humble guys out there. Maybe the NHL ought to do a better job of selling that. Say, "Look, these aren't a bunch of hotshots. These are just guys who are going out and getting the job done." That sells in this country--look at what George W. Bush has been able to do. He's the leader of the free world, and he has done it by telling people, "You know, this is hard work." Everyone's like, "Wow, hard work ... you're right."

If the NHL were able to salvage this season, I would rework the playoffs to make them really exciting. Make it the top 16 teams in the league, regardless of conference, to give everybody an equal shot. Make it a real horse race league-wide. And, of course, the league would have to cut ticket prices immediately.

But until the lockout is resolved, there are a few things hockey fans can do to fill their time. Fans in cold areas should water down their backyards. Drink a lot of beer. And drop the gloves whenever possible.

Will Arnett stars in FOX's Emmy-winning sitcom Arrested Development, which begins its new season at 8:30 p.m. ET on November 7.

The NHL: an arrested development

Sporting News, The, Oct 25, 2004 by Will Arnett

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