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Auerbach's rules of engagement: hey, waiter, there's a basketball in my won-ton soup!

Sporting News, The, Dec 6, 2004 by Dave Kindred

Every Tuesday morning, 11 o'clock sharp, Red Auerbach presides over a gathering of friends. No, wait. He doesn't preside. That sounds too grand. Here's what he does. He does Red. Somebody says something, next Red says, "You know the best-looking women in sports?"

He's 87 years old.

Doesn't mean he doesn't notice.

"Volleyball players," he says.

Really?

"Every one of 'em."

So, Red, you see their games?

"I go watch 'em work out."

Lifts his cigar, takes a puff.

Every Tuesday morning at the China Doll restaurant in Washington, Red Auerbach and other basketball reprobates meet for lunch--lunch at 11 because at noon he goes to rob a bank. Or play poker. Same thing.

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So we're talking NBA fights, and Ron Attest doesn't get into the conversation because Ron Attest is a nobody, and when Red Auerbach talks about NBA fights, he talks about somebodies.

Such as Wilt Chamberlain.

An inch and a famous one-sixteenth over 7 feet tall, Chamberlain at his best weighed whatever steel weighs when it's shaped like Mr. Universe and stacked real high.

Chamberlain did not anger easily. But then, Red Auerbach had a way about him. So one night Wilt came toward Red, and Red came toward Wilt.

"I told him, 'Go ahead, hit me. I'll own your house,'" Auerbach said.

Wilt considered those to be words of wisdom and so declined the opportunity. However, there is evidence that NBA fights can cost you as little as $500.

The evidence comes from another somebody.

Such as Red Auerbach.

"Four times," he said.

Four times, the Celtics' coach punched people who filed lawsuits against him. Each was settled for $500.

"Got hit by an egg once," he said.

The egg story is on Page 284 of Red's new book, Let Me Tell You a Story, an autobiography of sorts that also is a warm, funny account of those China Doll lunches. (I call it "Red's new book" to irritate the co-author, my hyperprolific buddy John Feinstein, who, by this time next week, may have written five more books, including a thrilling trilogy entitled Duke Walk-Ons I Have Known and Loved.)

Anyway, as Red tells it to John, "Some guy comes out of the stands, walks up to like three feet away from me and throws an egg in my face. Got me right in the forehead. It was actually pretty funny because I wasn't hurt or anything."

Once, in Cincinnati, "Guy jumps out at me screaming in my face that the Celtics get away with murder, that I stole the game by intimidating the referees. He won't get out of my way. So finally I just popped him in the nose. Knocked him down and kept walking."

Then the guy came to the locker room with the police. "I've got (John) Havlicek sitting next to me, so I say, 'Assault? What are you talking, assault? The guy kicked me. It was an act of self-defense. You saw it, right, John?'

"Havlicek looks confused for a minute. So I leaned over and said, 'John, you saw the guy kick me, right? Me, the guy who signs your paychecks.' John looks at the cops and says, 'It was awful. I'm amazed Red can even walk.'"

What a guy does on Tuesdays at the China Doll is listen.

Red Auerbach didn't invent the NBA.

But he did perfect it.

Arnold Jacob Auerbach, the one and only. Won nine NBA championships, the last eight in a row before retiring in 1966. Stayed on as the franchise's general manager and president. Remains its Resident Curmudgeon & Genius, the creator and embodiment of the Celtics' dynastic excellence.

From the book:

"If you said something was going to happen--good or bad--make sure it happened."

"If a guy talks with his palms turned up, he's almost always lying."

"Ninety-five percent of turnovers are caused by the passer."

"Forgive, but do not forget."

"Spread the credit when you win. Take the blame when you lose."

Red, writing: Adolph Rupp was no racist. Yes, he hated black players. He also hated white players and green players if they couldn't play. On Michael Jordan: He wouldn't do the work, wouldn't take the blame. On Rick Pitino: With the Celtics he got what no one should ever have, all the power. On lighting up a cigar on the bench when victory was certain: Just a way to relax, but only in Boston, never on the road.

It's Tuesday. It's a half-hour past noon. Red is signing books. He looks up and sees that everyone is still at the table. The dozen reprobates are waiting for the great man's benediction, which comes in this form: "So whatcha doin', waitin' for seconds? Get outta here."

dkindred@sportingnews.com

Auerbach's rules of engagement: hey, waiter, there's a basketball in my won-ton soup!

Sporting News, The, Dec 6, 2004 by Dave Kindred

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