Santa has a few gifts for NFL folks at holiday time

Sporting News, The, Dec 28, 1998 by Dan Pompei

Santa Claus may be a saint, but he had something in his bag for naughty and nice boys all around the NFL this year. We'll let you guess who has been naughty and who has been nice.

For Dick Vermeil: An Energizer Bunny. It's perhaps the only thing he can't wear out.

For Bill Parcells: A pair of inversion boots for the man who turned the AFC East upside down in two years.

For Marry Schottenheimer: A Black & Decker ScumBuster, in case his roster needs a little spring cleaning.

For Mike Holmgren: A fast car with no rearview mirrors, so he can get out of Green Bay in a hurry and never have to look back.

For Jon Gruden: A bottle of Just For Men, which he'll need to cover up the gray hairs that will soon be evident if he continues as coach of the Raiders.

For Dave Wannstedt: The services of a dog groomer. So at least most of his players can look good.

For Mike Shanahan: Nothing. Is there anything he really needs?

For Jerry Richardson: A pair of linen gloves, so the messes he'll make won't bear his fingerprints. And a short leash--which he'll surely want for the next coach of the Panthers.

For Carmen Policy: Lego Mind Storm, so we can see what he can build from scratch.

For Bill Walsh: A job in the 49ers' front office, so he can infringe on Steve Mariucci's space and stop taking mine. Oust kidding, Bill.)

For Mike Brown: A Blue's Clues compact disc. He's bound to get a clue this way.

For Mike Shula: A rack of spices for his Buccaneers offense.

For Trent Dilfer: A prescription for Propecia, so he can at least go long with his hair.

For Deion Sanders: Something he can return.

For Jeff George: A long-term disability insurance policy, a necessity when playing behind the Raiders' offensive line.

For Dan Marino: Something that will improve his mobility--a wheelchair.

For Fred Lane: A can of Cruex.

For Jerry Rice: Footballs. Lots of them.

For Terrell Owens: A lei and a crate of pineapples, in lieu of a deserved Pro Bowl trip.

For Derrick Thomas: Earplugs.

For Shannon Sharpe: A snap-off facemask.

For Ryan Leaf: An electronic tongue cleaner for a filthy mouth. And something that could appeal to someone with his maturity level: Sing and Snore Ernie.

For Kevin Greene: Something he can attack without fear of repercussion--SlamMan, the electronic boxing dummy.

For Kerry Collins: A case of O'Douls and a taxi company's business card.

For Kordell Stewart: A box of Kleenex and a bottle of Visine.

For Leigh Steinberg, the agent who usually represents model citizens but this year has had to deal with the travails of Ryan Leaf, Derrick Thomas, Kordell Stewart, Kevin Greene and Kerry Collins: The Thumper, a stress relieving hand-held massager.

For Doug Flutie: Tickets to A Bug's Life.

For Randall Cunningham: A guest spot on Touched By an Angel.

For Randy Moss: A commercial for a great sports magazine, The Sporting News.

For Ed McCaffrey: A pair of shoulder pads that weren't purchased at Gymboree.

For Sean Gilbert: A recording of Peggy Lee's "Is That All There Is?"

For Paul Tagliabue: A judge's robe, and a ruler for rapping knuckles.

For Jerry Seeman: An eye chart to help offseason evaluations of his officials, and a supply of those Harry Caray glasses for the officials who can't make out the E.

For referee Phil Luckett: The Miracle Ear hearing aid.

Bucs shouldn't panic after a disappointing season

A fully dressed Trent Dilfer sat slumped over in front of his locker, alone as the locker room cleared out. He was pondering what had transpired in the Buccaneers' 20-16 loss to the Redskins last Saturday, a loss that made it perfectly clear the Bucs-though not mathematically eliminated from the playoff picture--would be going nowhere this year.

"You all right?" cornerback Donnie Abraham inquired.

"I'll be all right," Dilfer said. "Always am."

Indeed, Dilfer's resiliency probably is his most outstanding quality. He'll be back better next year, and so will the Bucs. They remain a young, well-run team that's loaded with talent.

The Bucs could use a free safety and an edge pass rusher, but most of what has ailed them this year should be corrected with time. What many of us overlooked in our high expectations for the Bucs this season was their youth and inexperience.

Coach Tony Dungy bemoaned the way the Bucs played in spurts. Great one quarter, bad the next. Rotten for a few games, pretty good for a couple. Signs, surely, of immaturity.

At the start of the season, the Bucs made it a high priority to improve their deep passing game, but it hasn't happened. Dilfer has completed only 12.5 percent (4-of-32) of his attempts of 31 yards or longer. The rest of the conference was averaging 25 percent going into last weekend's games.

It isn't that Dilfer doesn't have a strong ann. He can just about throw a football across the Howard Frankland Bridge, from Tampa to St. Pete. But what he hasn't been able to do is throw it deep and accurately.

Part of it, too, has to be attributed to the lack of consistency at receiver. Dilfer says the Bucs' receivers have played better than any other position on offense, but they haven't always played.